Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Spiritual Revival.

Strange things have begun to happen. Everyone running for Jesus now. Judgmental eyes stare at you, “Go Purge yourself!” they say. I see that Pharisee spirit surround me now. Looking for someone to condemn, someone to judge. An air of spirituality, they all claim to know God. A small voice inside assures me “Be calm, let time be the judge of this”. The scriptures tell us in Matthew 13:24-30. When the time is right, there will be a separation of the genuine from the fake. They all claim to know God but some of them have their hearts far away from Him. Time tests the strength of your faith. Many will fall by the wayside. I find it very astounding that just as color blocking was in vogue, the same has become of spirituality. Spirituality is in fashion now. Everyone struggling to speak in tongues even when they do not understand what’s it all about. People struggle to be called “Jesus boy” or “Christian Freak”. So when this spirituality is out of vogue, how many will find it attractive still? I find it very offensive that most of them do not understand the seriousness of what this is. There is a God that knows all and sees all, even deep within. He knows who’s real and who’s not. The End is near however. False prophets. False people. Everywhere. Test yourself. Test you faith. Test the spirits. Everyone wants to make heaven. No one wants to perish. Strange things are happening. Do not be left behind. Find something real in the midst of all the fakeness going around. Hold on to God while you still can. All my life I’ve been waiting for a manifestation of God in my Life. For a reason to believe. But now I think I'm getting there. Its been a long time since I’ve had this feeling. The feeling of hope.         

I Want This...

I want you to tug at the curls of my hair. I want your fingers intertwined in mine. I want joyrides in your yellow sports car to nowhere. I want long walks at the beachside. I want stars under the moonlight. I want movies and cuddling on the sofa. I want to talk for hours with you. Even when I’m saying nothing. I want to see that twinkle in your eyes. I want your smiles, laughter and so much more. I want kisses full of promise. I want to make love. Sweet sweet love.  I want to be joined to you in the most intimate way. I want happy forevers. Most of all I need you to be here right now, to understand, to hold my hand, and never let me go.

Thursday, 13 December 2012

When Would My Life Begin.

 I feel like shit now. Everyone says this, but only a few actually know the feeling. I am a female. Hurt. Afraid. Deprived. And more. That’s me. I have become too unattractive for life to actually give me good things. I want to cry, to scream, to rip my hair. I am crazy inside. Jumping up and down. Eyes flaming. Angry at everyone, at everything. But then there’s no fire, no passion, no strength to loose my mind. Everyone wants something. I want everything. So much need leaves me worse than mad. Sometimes I think I’ll die a virgin, without knowing love, desire, fulfillment. Lust. I want pure lust. I want young men to fall when I walk past. I want them to crawl to beg for what nature has endowed with me with. I want the man of my dreams to hold me and teach me love, to touch me in the places hidden under my clothes. I want to moan out loud, I want to cry out, I want to feel my first orgasm happen. I want to love and be loved in every which way. I remember the poem, in secondary school, “To his Coy Mistress” now the poem speaks to me”..and my beauty shall turn to dust and into ashes all my lust”. I speak these words to my self each day. I still know innocence and then again I don’t. If I die this way, I will be an angry spirit in hell. I do not want to be a joke there for a little sin, perhaps a little lie here or a little rebellion there. Even the devil will laugh and say I am a fool. I want to live life. To know pleasures beyond the element of feeling. I am alone. More alone than ever with no one to hold my hand. This is not life. Everyday, I sit and wonder when my life would begin, when I would actually begin to live, to love, to laugh.
I own a messed up head. A badly damaged one by the monsters playing a game of catch in my head, but  instead of a ball, its my brain. There are so many voices. The dominant ones, these demons, that plague my mind with all forms  of disastrous fears. They are the ones you see in my worried eyes, sleepless nights and panic attacks. They are the reason for my frail heart, the reason I cannot live. I see bad things happen to me, its like my personal horror movie and I'm its only audience. Sometimes I prefer death to this. When this is watching your whole life fall apart and your loved ones die. Yes death is better than being forced to watch all this happen. Death is better than living in constant uncertainty. The other voices are the beautiful ones, the fairytales and fantasies. The world I created for myself. The one I run away to when the going is rough. The one where I’d rather stay. They call me the drifter whose lost touch with reality. I am Alice and here’s my wonderland. However the reality is the darkness, the hurting, where everything I see turns into blood. I am a prisoner. Bound. With my free will taken from me. I want to be free. I want to be fixed. I'm looking for my prince to come and fix his Barbie doll princess as she had her heart broken one too many times. Now she’s stuck in a world of unbelief where there’s no hope and no happy endings. Her imprisoned soul yearns for Him who would come to give her that magic kiss to break the dark spell. And then she would begin to live, love and laugh.

Friday, 9 November 2012


And then its just today, maybe a few more days, months or so.The days go by and I hardly notice. Like I'm falling into a pit of nothingness. Sometimes I try to remember the times I actually cared but then the memories seem vague, unreal, like a dream where just bits and pieces come back to me. and then when I try to hold onto the things I actually care about just so that I can feel something once more, and then I'm lost in my different confused thoughts. My thirst grows stronger as I grow each day older. This dry desert I'm stuck in now. I thought feeling something was weakness but unfeeling is worse. Its just emptiness, a huge void, a box of nothing. So now I'm sitting in some annoying class, rolling my eyes because once again I am dead bored. So I'm taking each day at a time. last time I counted its like 200 and something days left. So for the next few days, weeks, months, I have to try to care, or act like I do, like this is important. Its my life anyway.

Someday after midnight

When death feels close, when the thirst seems most unbearable, when the pain and fears have become familiar friends. Remember hope where you left her. Remember she can keep you strong till you reach the place you thought only existed in your dreams, where there is green grass by the water side. The darkness would flee, the hurting would seize and and there would be no more dry grounds and finally light and laughter would come to stay.

Saturday, 27 October 2012


You can call this whatever, but its true all the same. Its as real as today is. Yesterday, I was living in hell, you  know the kind, dark shadows, deep emptiness and persistent hurting. I have lived many lives but that one seems hard to be forgotten though it all seems like a dream, just bits and pieces come back to me now. I was in love so deep I hated myself, hated everyone except you. It was so deep I was ready to become whatever you wanted me to be and I would beat myself so when I failed. Extreme heights seemed to be an understatement when all I did was hit rock bottom. I remember crying myself to sleep each night. I remember your eyes filled with scorn telling me you were tired, sick of my tears. I tried to believe you actually loved me, but you would only hold my hand when u broke my heart. I wanted lies. I wanted fake love. I was so desperate to hear those three words even if they were false, but you couldn’t even give me that. I stuck around still, couldn’t bear the thought of life without you. So I lived with the piercing pain in my chest and uncertainty. Death seemed more attractive than the life I lived for you.
Now its all different. Now I'm putting down these words without giving into tears or breaking down inside. There is peace , there is calm. I am a better person. I am stronger. I thought it’d take forever to get over you but all it took was one day. Now I look into your eyes and feel nothing. , even now when u come around to torment me but all I feel is pure disgust. It took you and all those terrible years I thought I loved you to realize I’m worth something. Now I love myself. Now I love to live.

National Anthems

 I wonder what’s happened to all the “us against the world” anthems
The mystery of undefined love gone
No one ready to fight for something
Or feeling something anymore
They are just far fetched dreams and fantasies now
Now its just so much hate
And horny folks
There’s nothing in the amazing feeling of holding hands
Just in orgasms and exchanging juices
The simplest gestures that hold much love and promise
Washed away by the sea of time
Now the new anthem “Weed, Money, Sex”
And the fire of wild passion
And exploding sensation of a climax
Of joint bodies
I would rather have the former
And find true happiness.

Sunday, 16 September 2012

Farewell Note

So this is my last post before I go back to school. I have never really appreciated those who read my blog here so I’m doing so now. Never really knew lots of people stop by here to read all that I put down. Trust me it feels nice. Though I know most of you come here for my stories *rolling eyes* But it is good your perverted minds think my stories are all that.
I'm here half interested in my Sunday breakfast which is soo weird. I always love Sundays for the large breakfast. Bread and sardine, oats, tea, fried eggs and sausages.  Nice yeah? I know I eat a lot.
Oh well both of my little brothers are off to boarding school and I realize my problem, or the problem most of us have…We always think we have the time *sigh* It was just the other day when I was going off to school too. A small skinny flat girl :D Now I’ve got one more year in the I look much different now? Lol I do not know.  What I know is that I miss that little girl though, the innocent care free girl with little or no complications. Life was way easier then. I fear I must have forgotten how it feels to be happy and free spirited. That don’t mean I'm sad now lol. Its just that that little girl didn’t have to worry so much about so many things even the ridiculous ones.
I always imagined life at this stage will be perfect or some thing close to it. Funny how that went so wrong. But the beautiful thing is that wrongness made me a stronger person. People never realize they contribute to making you the person that you are now, whether its horrid, cold, distant or happy friendly and warm. They only know how to complain of the outcome.
So I’m going to go to school tomorrow, face my project and things, mind my business and not care for people who dnt matter. Caring is a weakness, especially when the people you bother about have no importance to you. Its an extra burden u put on yourself. People would always have their opinion no matter how spotless you think your life is.
Take this as a farewell note or maybe just maybe I might surprise you all with more posts. I'm always best inspired in school. Call it boredom, call it whatever.

Friday, 31 August 2012

Last Day of August

Life is hard to understand. Love is harder to understand. The hardest is the people. I am quite confused when it comes to such emotional issues. People change and so do their feelings. I mean, I don’t understand why people that have been together for three years and then they break up. Come so far and throw it all away like the other person meant nothing to you. I don’t understand how at a time there would be so much love and all of a sudden no love anymore and most of them don’t even talk anymore. Its funny how one minute you are convinced you are in love, and the next you cannot stand the person anymore. I wonder whether people carry these their wavering indecisions to their marriages. No wonder marriages never last these days. I wonder how broken these people are in the midst all this.
Its heart breaking that people can do anything so that they are not alone. They do soo much to keep a person. You forgive someone so much not just because you want to but you need someone to hold you, love you, even if its fake. You let someone take advantage of you in everyway just because you convince yourself you love that person and cannot bear the person leaving you. I mean, what’s wrong about being lonely. You go into the wrongest relationships with people who do not give a shit about you because you are scared of being alone as if it is a disease…then when what you have feared becomes of you, you are not only alone but broken as well. Cool combination huh? I don’t know why I’m venting., maybe its because I keep seeing people acting foolish like this it gets irritating.
But then just as people are tired of being lonely, others are so scared of being hurt so they runaway from love. When you have lost so much, when the emptiness becomes of you and you are used to the silence within. You like the loneliness, the emptiness. Then you become afraid of what is normal and the idea of being happy becomes scary. You cut away from feeling and runaway from love. You deeply yearn for it but then love has become a stranger and you are more comfortable to be with what’s familiar, the hurt, the void, the loneliness. You become a ghost, a shadow that lingers in the world of the living. These are the people that are scared of living. Of loving.
Everyone wants to be happy. Just that people have their different ways of achieving that happiness. No one wants to be hurt its just that life itself, is so unfair. It never gives us what we want or what we convince ourselves we need. It leaves us needy and sad and when we have managed to create some little happiness for ourselves, it rips it out of our hands. It likes us sad, lonely, almost depressed and cold. It loves the tears we shed, the emptiness within, makes us desperate to settle for anything. We all want a perfect relationship, happiness and sunshine and love brings all of that. In conclusion, Love makes life worth living.

Sunday, 19 August 2012

I did this for Bimbo's blog. Wannid her to know what I do everyday these days ^_^

My daily routine
On the black couch
curled up sweetly
or with legs almost up in the sky
in the deserted living room in the house
is where you find me
away from the noise of human activity,
the cries and laughter of the children,
or my screaming confused thoughts,
still holding a novel i was reading
with an invincible DO NOT DISTURB sign hanging close by
engulfed in nothingness
where i see nothing
feel nothing
here i slip in and out of conciousness
unaware of times race
romancing sleep.

Monday, 30 July 2012

A New Story

She was numb. She was lifeless. She was drained of every atom of life. This was my girl friend, every time I made love to her. I wasn’t her first. She had been doing this long before she met me. The sex was almost disgusting as I always got irritated of how hard and horny I was. She made me think that sex was disgusting. I really liked her. I tried so hard to control my urges. Not that she argued or complained. I mean, she always said yes. But then her body would scream.”NO! NO!! NO!!!” At a particular point in time I thought something was wrong with her. Emotionally. Psychologically. Physically. Medically. My mind couldn’t decide on which one it was. So my sex life became sooo dead. I resolved to wanking off at magazines and pornos when she wasn’t around. I hadn’t the balls to cheat until now. And this girl made everything change. She was in my group for carrying out a project for our final paper. She had always been in my class. I never really noticed her till now. So shy. So quiet. So naïve with those huge eyes that seem to pierce deep into your soul. I did not know how this began. She was not the prettiest girl. She was not so attractive. Never haunting till now. Her frail body. Those compelling dark eyes. Her red lipstick made my eyes catch them every single second. Her well shaped bum, a bit big for her thin stature. I suddenly felt confused. I didn’t just want her. I really really wanted her. And my body responded in a way it never did before. My mind making mental images of us both. Together. My eyes, my mind..undressed every bit of her clothing. I saw her moan in my head as I bit at her nipples. I analyzed her. She didn’t have big breasts. No that didn’t matter. She had the most awesome bum ever. It was nicely shaped. The type of arse you’d want to do many things to. I felt myself get hard. I turned away in embarrassment ….
Just being around her, everything seemed different. For the first time in a long time, I felt things I hadn’t felt in a long time. I wanted to touch her so bad it hurt. All it was was weird and awkward. Especially when we were alone together. This went on till it finally happened. She had gotten so upset over her row with one of the girls. She was shaken, crying in the empty lab when I entered. Emotions over whelmed me. I went to her and took her in my arms. She was so soft, so small in my arms. My heart went out to her. I wanted to say something to comfort her but nothing came from my mouth. I forgot everything. How to speak. How to think. How to breathe. I raised her face and kissed her fully on the mouth. Her lips were full and soft, her tongue inviting. All of a sudden I wanted to do anything for this girl. Tell her she didn’t need to cry, that she’d never cry ever again. I wanted to protect her. Make her smile once more. I wanted to be everything, anything she wanted me to be for her. My hands felt her body. Her small waist, her large bum. I swallowed hard. I carried her and put her on the lab table. I wanted her to be my experiment. I wanted to taste and explore every part of her. I took of her clothes. I almost choked. My hands began to tremble. This was more than I wanted. More than I expected. The silky smooth feel of her skin was like good wine and I was fast becoming intoxicated. My mouth on her throat. My fingers in her hair. My tongue and mouth sulking her breasts. My hands squeezing her butt. I was everywhere at once. The heat was unbearable. Hearing her moan out loud when I pulled at her nipples lightly with my teeth was the last straw. I yanked her roughly towards me and entered her. I could feel her tightness engulf me. I was almost insane from the sweet pleasure. I felt myself bursting in delight again and again. I felt myself fall into nothingness. I couldn’t hole back any longer as I spewed my seed inside her. I knew she came then as her fingers pierced my bad as she arched her back and threw her head back, making the most sexy of female sounds. We collapsed together. Drained. I sighed in satisfaction. That was the most beautiful thing that had ever happened to me. I held her and that moment I knew that I was never going to let go.

A new life for the drifter

 It was magical, every single time. Being held in his hands, being kissed so passionately, the feel of his fingers on my skin, his hands on my breasts, his hands cupping my butt, his hands were everywhere on my skin, touching, feeling. The feel of his body next to mine. I could feel him envelope me. I felt loved. The tingling sensation was divine. I moaned out loud as his mouth suckled on one of my already aroused nipples….
And suddenly I’m in class once more. Facing Miss Potts’s boring geography class. Alicia had stoned me in the head with her pencil. I looked at her and scowled. “You were gone again you idiot” she whispered. Yes I was a terrible drifter. Going off any second of any day. It made everyone so pissed. Mother would knock me hard on the head. Alicia found it very funny and a source of amusement. None of them understood. I daydream often cos Id rather be in the imaginary world I made for myself than here. My real life sucked so bad. I see it as my responsibility to put the ugly pieces of my life together and make it beautiful again. So I loathe reality. I love fairytales cos they’r real in my world. Castles. Dragons. Princes.  Fantasies put that smile you see on my face each morning.
Miss Potts was rather plump and boring so Id always drift away in her class. Today was no exception. She was quite stern though. Punishing us for her very very sad life. Before, she was cool with a noisy class that paid her no attention where she’d teach just herself. Till the day she exploded. Ahhh. Things hadn’t been the same after that. Now she gives us some test and I’m staring at the questions which I do not recognize at all. I groan out loud. I really do not want to fail this course. I look round and watch everyone scribble something down in their papers. I start my poor drawings of butterflies on mine. I want to seem busy too. I do not know when I drift off again…
The cameras and their blinding lights. The lights hit me immediately I got out of my limo. My body guards trying to wad off the desperate press with their many insane questions. My hands were consumed in diamonds, my long hair was let loose, it was red here. Thick and full. My dress was simple and black. Classy and Elegant. Fans were swarming around like bees. Yes. I was important. I got into the massive building. I caught my reflection in the glass doors. I stopped and stared at the girl I saw. She was extremely beautiful. She was me.
“Pamela White!” I heard Miss Potts’s stern voice say. Nabbed. She was staring down at me with her “am not pleased” eyes. I heard the giggles and the sneering sounds from the rest of the class. I went red in embarrassment. She took my paper and stared angrily at my stupid drawings. “You understand that you are doing quite poor in this course Pamela. Surely you do not want to fail.” she said nothing more and passed by. I was hopeless. The bell went off and I succeeded in writing nothing. Mother was going to be pissed. I had promised to do better this term.
I always preferred to walk home after school instead of taking the bus. I always walk slowly, observing everything while going home. Its always the same thing every time but each day, I see something different when I walk past. I notice the old Latina woman who always preferred yelling at people than talking to them, I notice the young cobbler who is always sad as his wife cheats on him constantly because of his financial situation and he is a coward to deal with the situation. I notice the young boys on the streets playing football with reckless abandon, totally ignoring the cars that zoomed by with high speed. I notice the silly guy fondling some ignorant girl shamelessly in public.
My house was the grey old building that stood out with its tattered walls and the untidy bush that had begun to constitute a nuisance. This is where I lived most of my life with my mother. My father left when I was only a child with some stripper girl he believed he was in love with. My mom worked between three jobs. In the morning, she was a waitress in a diner, in the afternoon she worked as a babysitter for the Jones children, and in the night as a cleaner in an insurance firm. With these, we were able to eat, and I was able to go school and all. I loved her dearly and I didn’t want to get her upset. I knew the school had called to complain of my behavior at school. I prepared myself for some serious scolding. I took in a deep breath and entered the house. I almost collapsed. My mom was lying on the floor, unconscious. I screamed for help. I shook her violently. My mom left me that day. Alone. To face the world by myself. I hated myself for how I had messed up, how I always made her worried with my attitude towards life, I wish I made her proud somehow, repaid her for all she had gone through for me. There were plenty things I wanted to say. A lot I wanted to do. But it was so late. Now I had to grow up fast, face reality and leave my fantasy world behind. A hard life awaited me. One where I was only what I am. A poor orphan girl….

Thursday, 12 July 2012

Silent words of prayer

I am here. I am wounded. I am broken. I am weak. I am tired.
I am here. Torn apart. Hurt and Bitter. With my eyes drowned by my tears.
I am here. ALone.With these horrible thoughts that slice deeep iinside my heart.
I am here. In need of help and someone to hold my hand. Tell me that its all going to okay.
I am here. Sentenced to death by regrets and that sick chorous forever playing in my head "I told you so"
I am here. Needing God. On my knees trying to pray.
I am here.Confused. Hurt. Angry. Broken. With no words to say to Him.
I am here. Make me whole. Make me strong. Make me new.
I am here. Unworthy. Clothed in shame. I NEED YOU LORD.
I am here. Lord please take all the hurt away. Give me a new heart. Be with me so I never feel alone again. Be my strength so I never feel weak again.
I am here. I need to find that path. The one that leads to green grass.
I am here. I need direction. I need comfort. I need a right mind. I need your word.
I am here. I need to hear Your voice. Just this once.
I am here. Lost. Trying to find my way in the midst of all this chaos.
I am here. In dust and ashes. Crying these silent words of prayer. I NEED YOU LORD.

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

I have missed you 

Yes I have missed you. My happy place. People never understand me as well as you do. I finally found my modem so I’m back! It was so depressing I couldn’t be here…yeah really. Now I’m listening to “Mr. Wrong” and I’m thinking of how wrong my life’s gone. I’m wondering how best to clear my mess. How to be strong. How to survive the last year in that hell hole. How to go through each day with a smile plastered on my face. How to live once more without caring for anything in the world. How to hide my weakness. How to avoid having senseless teenagers get to me. How to see life as maximizing pleasure…my pleasure. I have finally realized I was worth way more than I settled for this past semester. I'm glad its over. I dread going back to school. Really, I hate that place. I made new enemies as well as new friends. I learnt new things about life in general. I learnt of how slimy people can be. I also learnt of what it was like to feel, to feel for someone. I am not going to spend my time on hate words, I want to be over that. So this is the era of a new me. As I have torn myself away from the art of feeling, killed all the emotional cells in my body. I was one of those helpless romantics, having extreme feelings about everything. Now that that’s over, I can move on. I'm still in my nineteenth year and I'm still expecting the best from God. So this holidays, I'm concentrating on me.
My Agenda for this summer.
·        Get my awesome bum back…God I have been drinking complan for the past few weeks. That thing doesn’t taste so nice.
·        Driving school. Ofcourse I want to learn how to drive. I have gotten over the thought of getting a personal driver L
·        Work. CitiBank. I hope they pay me good money. I love the whole idea of working in an office, wearing short skirts and bending down :D
·        Travelling. Switzerland. With my dad. I pray that would turn out nice and my pessimistic self would be put to shame.

Monday, 21 May 2012

20 may 2012

I hate love
It makes a fool of you
and squashes u on the ground like an insect
Broken, defeated, destabilized
leaves you brutually wounded for death
the worst kind, the most painful ones
where you feel your heart bleed from hurt
where you pray to die fast
where you detest living
and see tomorrow as a curse.
It gives you false hope
that makes your soul worry
and then your worst fears come alive
just as you thought they would
and your only companion would be
the tears, the hurt, the shame
they never go away
they push you further into nothingness
when you do not know what,how,when,where
it hurts the most
pain takes you through each day
then your only prayer is to disappear,
vanish from the face of the earth
but then you are already dead
because what you live is indeed death
but what kills you the second time
is looking into the eyes of the one who hurt you
the one you loved.

Sunday, 13 May 2012


I would just sit here
watch her lips move
she seems so loud
but then I hear nothing
her eyes are wide with excitement
her gestures very frantic
her hands, her head, the movement
she's trying to make me understand
I would rather understand other things tho
like why my hair didnt turn out right
like why she just wont say yes
like why I havent made my mom happy
or why I had nothing to say on the phone
why she dint tell me she was sick
Or some that dont just have answers
like why's the sky so blue this morning
or why the clouds dont look amazing without stars
or why cant I be in Milan now
or why do I think I'm in love
Many questions, no answers
I want to understand
Why I cant make any sense
from all what this woman is saying.

Almost four

I need to be saved
from the excessive bleeding of my heart
or the anoying pain deep in the pit of my stomach
its almost four
and i feel i almost lost her
just the same exact way
i thought i almost had her.
i need to be saved
from my many tears I cry into my pillow
or the weight of my unreciprocated love
its almost four
and almost all my fears are back
just the same exact way
i almost wanted to believe she didnt love her.
I need to be saved
from the lonliness and the emptiness
or the fact i literally feel like shit
its almost four
i almost said goodbye
and that same exact minute
i almost wanted to die.

My pen and paper

I love this pen, this paper. You are my place of release. I look forward to pouring out my random craziness into your poor but ever receptive and never judgmental pages. You’ll be my only true companion. You wont call me “freak”, ”white girl”, ”dumb blonde” like the others. You wont misunderstand what I tell you, you wont go telling everyone my deep secrets. You wont run away from me. I feel you understand what’s happening now. I know life is hard but this isn’t how bad it was intended to be. Its TOO MUCH. Its not human for one to hurt this much. So I am alone now. Very alone. It is in this sober moment that I want to go over my life and ponder, prolly discover where I went wrong in my life. Ha! I have been all wrong from the start. The kind of wrong, that’s so wrong that its just right I guess. Even the way I see life is wrong. I have done many wrong things in my life. I don’t think I guess. No I think too much. But at the wrong times. I’m the spontaneous type. I don’t think before making major decisions, and when it goes wrong, I’d think the whole year in misery, sadness and regret.

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

My freaky story

She was in need. Deep need. She felt the stinging tingling sensation in the insides of her womb. She wanted to stick something inside. Anything. It was this bad. Her fingers felt her body. It felt nice. She sighed. This was getting interesting. She felt her breasts, played with her nipples. Like she knew I was there. Her fingers lingered in the Vee of her legs. I couldn’t see clearly now. But the way her eyes rolled back. The way she moved. I knew what had happened. Then there was a girl and the was a boy. I liked the one with the girl tho. It looked more passionate. They kissed like they meant it. I liked seeing her moan when the girl sucked at her nipples. I watched their bodies intertwine in the most delicious way. The girl squeezed her breasts, she cupped the girl’s butt. They knew exactly what to do. The most intriguing part was watching the girl go down on her. She lay on the bed, having her legs up to her face. I watched the girl lick ice cream off her pussy. She liked it. She arched her back, eyes closed, releasing the most wonderful female sounds from her mouth. It got too intense all of a sudden. The girl sat on her and gave her the most sexy dance. I watched the girl’s waist move, grinding and whining. I knew when she came. She pressed forward and murmured words I couldn’t make no meanings of. The guy. He was watching all this while. His dick was hard and erect. I dint like his part cos he just squeezed her breasts while he fucked her hard. He was already too hard to make it nice. I dint believe it. There was nothing. No passion. Nothing. She just held onto him trying not to fall as she was brutally fucked. The girl’s own was better.

Thursday, 22 March 2012

What happens when we dont wait

I was bored
Sick of the world
So bored I could eat myself.
I was tired of waiting and hoping
For the fantasy prince of my dreams
So I gave my heart to a lad with butterfingers
So I shouldn’t have been surprised when he let it slip from his fingers
And to the floor into a thousand pieces
For what we had was almost love I believed
He was sorta kinda right and sorta kinda wrong
So I stuck to his short lived compliments
Of “sweet empty nothings”
And when everything took that wrong turn
The agony was priceless
I swallowed up my cries at night so no one would hear
I buried my head in my pillow to hide the tears.
For I brought this upon myself
And I was gutless so I wouldn’t leave
I hoped for someone to notice
I was quiet but screaming inside
“Cant anyone see I’m hurting!”
My misery ended
With that black and white revelation I remember
A mucky figure
Running blindly and half hazardly with fear
From an image in form of a ghost
It took a while for me to realize
That that message was for me
So I took to my heels and ran.

1st of march writings

I would rather be alone in this world
Than have so many people and still feel so alone
I would prefer not to feel
than have all these feelings and still feel empty
I would prefer to own nothing
Than lose everything
I would rather not remember
Than have so  many memories that would make me hurt inside.
I would rather be alone in this world
Than love and not be loved
Than worry for the ones I hold dear
Than fear always for tomorrow
Than grieve for the ones I have lost.
There is so much evil in this world.
We are stronger facing them alone
Than have family and loose them
Or have friends that are enemies
Or love someone that loves another
I would rather be alone in this world.

Wednesday, 22 February 2012


I remember everything. I’d let our song “something special” by Usher play and reminiscence. I’d remember how your body felt against mine, how good your lips felt against mine, how you were “needy” all through and when I tried taking weed for the first time and messed everything, taking the light off on my tummy. I still have the burn and you have my tank top with the burnt hole on it. I had never been so open with anyone before. It was all new to me. I want you more than anything now. Its like a drug…
Now I have got you, now I have got March.  We shall not be robbed. We wouldn’t need to be any where else. We don’t need to be confined to that same room that reeks of sex and weed to have a blissful moment. No more rejections or torture just willingness and enthusiasm. Everything will be perfect like the gods planned for us.
This time it shall be different. Our love making shall be divine. The air would be filled with my satisfied moans and sweet feminine sounds, your labored breathing and groans, as we “dwelve” into the unknown. It shall be complete this time. We shall be complete. There would be no reason to worry or run. For we shall have world and time to ourselves. We shall make love in land and water. We shall let the water will slid down our joined bodies. Our lovelorn souls will find that wonderful place where miracles happen. And indeed it shall be perfect.
Words of promise from November to March.

Sunday, 19 February 2012

We are not children anymore

We had always been so close. When we were kids,  we’d play kid games together, mess around with the sand, run around butt naked, and drink the water from the rain. We used to be a pain to both our parents with all the mischief we caused. We grew older, we remained playmates. We went off to the same primary school, always together. We shared everything. As I grew older I became shy. I started growing breasts and you started hanging out with the boys more often. I couldn’t change in front of you anymore, and I had started having weird thoughts about you. I wondered if you understood sometimes. I missed the times we had before when nothing seemed to matter. I started worrying about stuff, how I looked, my hair, my face. I started looking pretty just to see you. I did steal my moms lipstick and smear it over my mouth, I’d steal her perfume to smell good..just for you. Holding hands with you now seemed weird and I’d think about it, how your hands felt in mine for hours when I got back home. Then when you told me you had feelings for me, my heart melted in joy. We were both so naïve, you would peck me  on my cheek and I would giggle shamelessly. Then we got much older. You pulled me to the corner of the street and kissed me fully on the mouth, your lips teased mine in the most delightful manner, your tongue intertwining with was magical. You showed me what a real kiss felt like. You created feelings in me that I didn’t understand. After that day, we kissed every time, everywhere, we became addicted to it. It brought some kind of intimacy we both enjoyed.  You started fondling me, touching me in my delicate places. You seemed to be fascinated by my breasts, you would tug at them all day. You would put your hand under my skirt to feel the skin in my inner thighs. On that fateful day, we were at your place watching a movie. No one was home. We started kissing again. This time you took my up to your room and told me to undress. I obeyed, taking off a piece of clothing at a time till I stood fully naked before you. I was red with embarrassment. You took my hands and told my I was beautiful. My heart sang.  I loved you so much it hurt. You touched me everywhere, your hands took my small  breasts and squeezed them , I felt you touch me in places I had never been touched before. You took off your clothes and then you put your penis inside of me. I cried out in pain.  You started to move inside me. I felt you occupy all of me, your huge penis in my feminine tightness, the pain was unbearable. I closed my eyes and bit my lips. Things were never going to be the same after that.

Thursday, 16 February 2012

The diet that saves 

Carbohydrates has been noted as a deadly killer. It is the meal with the highest quantity of sugar and fat. If the fat isn’t worked off right, it is stored in the body, which gradually leads to obesity.  It carries lots of sugar which causes diabetes also. It is good to eat healthy and on time. It has been advised that meals should not be taken into the body after 6pm so the body is able to digest the food you eat. People have large tummies because they eat late. Note this. My story begins here.  So my dad was told he was diabetic and there was lots of sugar found in his blood. They made him get drugs to start taking. This worried my dad and he sent his medical tests results and the name of the drugs to his doctor friend in Italy. He then got to know that the drugs were for life, that once he started he would forever continue with them. This friend then put him on a diet that would reduce his sugar level. He went on this diet for a month before going back to the doctor’s. His sugar level had reduced.  The doctors were astonished like it was a miracle. But it wasn’t.  it was the diet. Doctors in Nigeria in general do not really care about the welfare of their patients, they are all about prescribing drugs so that they sell their drugs. This is bad. This diet cure my dad of something he would have to take drugs for a lifetime to cure. He continues on this diet still. The diet is also a slimming diet of course. To me it sucks but oh well, its healthy. Thank God we don’t get to eat the same thing tho J
·      1.    Lots of green. Different types of green: green vegetables, garden egg leaf,  carrots, tomatoes, etc.
·        2.  The only thing he eats after six pm is fruits: water melon, paw paw, apples, oranges, and banana. Eat fruits everyday.
·     3.     Wheat  instead of semolina and eba.
·     4.     Of course no more sugar, ice cream, cookies, junk food
·       5.   No more beef, only chicken and fish
·         6. Wheat bread.
·         7. Green, herbal tea taken with lemon, of course no sugar.
·        8.  No white rice, brown rice instead.
·        9.  No oil in his soup (none at all)
·        10.  And lastly lots and lots of exercise.

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

I seriously dont know why I write these things. But its a talent..dont judge me :)

You touch me once, I feel a thrill go down my spine
You touch me again, my knees go weak I cannot stand anymore
You touch me once more, I cannot stop myself, I moan out loud
You touch me now, I open up. All yours.

Touch me here, touch me there, touch me everywhere
Run your fingers through my hair
Kiss my mouth, no my neck, of course my breasts
Squeeze them and take them into your mouth       
And tease them till they get aroused.

I want to feel your hands everywhere
Make me shiver with delight
Let me understand all that is carnal need
I want you to make me burn in pleasure
Let our hot breaths mingle
And our body heat combine
To create the most wonderful explosion.