Thursday, 7 December 2017

December 7, 2017

When last did you feel love girl?
Real love?
Love that made you feel alive
Love that you were yourself, no one else, no borrowed personalities 
Love that didn’t make you feel like you are too needy 
Too vocal about your feelings
Too into it than you should?
Love that didn’t make you insecure about your emotions
Insecure about your skin or your not so perfect body?
Love that didn’t make you feel too conscious? Act fake?
Love that didn’t make you feel alone? Cry at night?
Love where your eyes would glow cause you were smiling from you heart?
Love where you didn’t need to give sex to keep your man?
Love where you didn’t have to worry that your man was cheating on you with someone else or several others?
Love that was natural, sincere, not forced?

Love where he was yours? Truly yours?

Thursday, 9 November 2017

Lessons on Love part 2.

1. Sometimes loving someone can mean being in constant pain
Any type of love comes with pain. Its intense when someone you love hurts you. But this is different. It always starts with him making you happy. Blushing at everything. He will swear to love you forever. He will tell you he's certain you're the one who would hurt him. This gets into you head. You feel irreplaceable. It warms your heart towards him. Gosh hes so vulnerable right? ---weeks/months later you're staring at your phone for hours waiting for him to reply your texts. You dont feel irreplaceable anymore. More like second choice, third or fifth. You struggle with the madness of guessing whether he loves you still or not. You wonder how terrible it feels to be with someone and feel so alone

2. There are names you will never forget.

Ibrahim, Tobi, Akin, Ade, John...
People that tattooed their names on your heart and on your skin....
Tobi, the guy in your class, fourth year in college, that pushed you against the door, held your hands down and aggressively took your lips with his, trailed his tongue down your neck and kissed the lobe of your ears - you moaned out his name...you remember feeling dizzy after while trying to make your way back to your seat.

3. There will always be silences.

Communication is key in every relationship. You knew that. The both of you were going to be different. Tell each other everything. But was that really possible? Could you tell him about how terrible he made you feel sometimes? Did he tell you that about his conversations with her and the jokes that they privately shared? Did you tell him that you felt he loved her and not you?

4. You will always make the same mistakes.

From the age 12 you had formed the bad habit of loving people who were not yours to love. From loving other girls' boyfriends to loving other women's husbands. Each new experience worse than the previous. Pouring your soul into someone who you couldn't really call yours. You had learnt to love in secret at a tender age; their tongues down your throat in school corners to your legs spread open for them in hotel rooms or their secret apartments.

5. Claiming your life back is the greatest struggle 

When someone becomes your life support, it's hard to go back to what your life was before them. Sometimes living becomes unbreakable. Everything reminds you of him; his eyes, his smile, his voice, his scent...
Memories hunt you. Some days you feel like you're making progress and the next minutes you find yourself breaking down into tears.

November 9 2017.

Some of us are struggling to become our own heroes again. We lay sleepless wondering how we've failed ourselves; how we let someone else define what our happiness is.

It always begins subtly: texting too often, opening up about dirty little secrets, smiling shyly and looking away when he catches your eye. And suddenly it's like a routine, your heart automatically adds him to your to do list - first person you text in the morning and last person you text at night. And your day doesn't feel complete when you don't speak to him.

There are questions we struggle with - how does one hold back some parts of  oneself and not give everything? Is it something we really have control of? Why does it seem like some of us are so unlucky with love? Always picking the difficult types - the ones that leaves you in tears, gripping you where it hurts the most.

Some of us spend a long time grieving. It's hard to understand how you fell so helplessly. How you trusted him to do right by your heart. It's devastating to realize you spent time giving all of yourself to someone who wasn't honest enough about loving you. Do not punish yourself for falling in love, giving yourself, trusting, laughing when he made you laugh and missing him when he's not there.

A day will come when you'll discover thoughts of him loving someone else won't make your heart hurt and beat rapidly like it wants to beat right out of your chest. It won't make you act crazy conjuring stories in your head of what could be going on. Hopefully you find bits of yourself again till you become whole and at peace.

Tuesday, 27 June 2017

Silences. Part 1.

There are so many unsaid words between two people -

The most beautiful thing about falling in love with you was the process. How we transformed from being strangers to opening up and telling each other the most intimate things about ourselves. Everyday I saw you differently and fell in love with you more. I began to feel your absence when we didn't talk; for minutes, hours or days. I would go to our chats and fight the urge to text you. I felt you were different and I could trust you with myself. But. What if I was alone in this? I had just the last piece of myself to give. So one out of ten times, I won the battle over my heart and didn't text. And when you called, I swear you could hear it, behind the excitement in my voice, a subtle plea 'I'm falling in love with you'

Wednesday, 24 May 2017

Lies. (Part 1)

Who lied to you?

-My parents when they said all I needed to do was do well in school so I could get a job
In high school, you stayed indoors, couldn't go to parties, couldn't go to see your friends,
couldn't watch tv, couldn't go on excursions
holidays were spent reading for the next term, no time for slacking, they said.
Those that came first did they have 2 heads?
any teacher complained and you were dead
"just go to school and pass so you can get a good job, was that too much to ask for?" - your mom would plead
You can enjoy all you wanted after school
everyday you looked forward to what seemed to be your freedom
The day you came home with your results and a D in Chemistry,
Your mum came to your room that night and nearly murdered you with the head of a broom,
The next day your dad shaved your hair, you were too distracted and needed to focus more,
They would remind you of how much they sacrificed to pay for your fees, clothe and feed you, you ungrateful child
After 21 years of school, a first class in accounting and not having a life
you were home, unemployed and still very dependent on your parents


- My husband when he said he wasn't cheating
After 5 kids, expanding after each one, becoming big enough to house them
He didn't see what he wanted anymore; a thin waist, perky breasts and firm buttocks
He loved you once, you are the mother of his children - and maybe that should be enough.
You had to learn that everything is temporary. your body, moments, feelings, people
He came home late reeking of other women
when he was around, he was absent
And everytime you summoned the courage to ask
He made you apologise for daring to question his love
Sometimes you would even beg - you couldn't understand how he was so cruel,
After you poured your entire soul, blood and energy into loving him


- My mother when she said I have to know how to cook to keep a man
As a girl child you were made to sweep the house, clean the floors, dust the furniture.
Your mother would come to perform the solemn ceremony of sliding her bare feet on the floor, checking for sand.
She slapped your back when you didn't bend well enough while sweeping.
You washed the clothes, cooked the food, your tiny hands wrapped around the mortar pounding yam
Do you think a man will marry you if you cant cook?
Do you want him to eat outside and let another woman steal him?
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach
You were shut up instantly when you asked why your brothers were not given chores
Instead you were made to serve them their meals like they were kings
Did you think it is easy being a man? why didn't you come out a male child?
No man marries a lazy woman, who will look after your home?
You dared not mention the thought of getting a house girl
Years after, you spend your entire day in the kitchen preparing delicious feasts for your absent husband
Who spends more time with younger girls with foreign accents and no home training who cannot cook

- My first when he said he said he loved me
22 years of being a virgin and needing love from the wrong people
And then he came, well chiselled face, intense eyes, built body
You knew you were not the only one
But he made you feel so damn good
telling you it was different with you
You felt you could save him from himself and the urge to want other girls
He told you it was the only way he knew how to love
So you gave yourself that night
screaming into a pillow, your legs spread apart, clenched muscles
You didn't want this, but you wanted him and he wanted this
Not you? you became an unpleasant nag, always needing attention, he said
Now you had given away pieces of yourself to him that you couldn't have back and somehow everything reminded you of him
Some days were bearable and on other nights your heart woke you up to a shattering pain
and now you knew what it meant to grieve for losing someone who was still living

- My pastor when he said my breakthrough was coming soon
It had been months now since you had tithed your entire month's salary
After your hungry looking pastor who was always dressed in an oversized 3 piece suit regardless of the fact he was sweating profusely, was screaming into the microphone -
"You're sick because your ways are not right with God!"
"You're unfortunate because someone somewhere has stolen your destiny!"
"You're poor because you do not give to God!"
he shook his head aggressively, and then went still
"God is telling me someone here is the next billionaire in town, i can see jeeps, range rovers waiting to be received. i can see new born babies waiting for their mummies"
The congregation jumped up screaming amen, some with their hands outstretched receiving in faith
One woman was on the floor crying, she had been married for ten years without a child.
That day people came forward dancing in victory, disposing all the money they had with them
Some of  you who were more stupid went forward to the altar to pledge your salaries
you were hungry that month. waiting and waiting for your billions to come
You went back to your pastor to seek counsel on why God didn't want you to have good things
He told you to check yourself, that you probably didn't deserve good things because you are paying for sins you don't remember

Tuesday, 16 May 2017

Tuesday, 16 May 2017

This is for the men that feel the need to show how much of a man they are by disrespecting their women in order to demand respect, to show they are in charge.
- Talk to her like she's a child, like you gave birth to her. She doesn't know she's not your mate?
- Undermine her, hit her even, she deserves it when she provokes you. What can she do?
- Make her cry and regret loving you. Ignore your conscience if you have one. The tears she is shedding are crocodile ones. The woman you paid bride price for does not have feelings. She's your property.
- Get angry and shout the house to the ground, threaten to send her back to her father's house.
- Do not care if your children come out and watch in silence,
It doesn't matter if they cry in fear,
Silence them when they finally speak up when they feel they are old enough to. What do they know? Who are they to even talk to you about it? The head of the home? Remind them who paid for their education. Remind them they still live under your roof. Remind them that you are even nicer than other men. Remind the girls that they will soon get married and understand.

Moral lesson -  Disrespecting your woman is a reflection of the little respect you have for yourself.

Thursday, 27 April 2017

Bad

Don't live a life dictated by the judgement of others. Don't choose a lesser life
Live a life that is yours. A life that seduces your lungs, dripping down your chin.
People do not need to understand the reason behind your decisions.

They do not need to know why you stay with him still even when he makes bits of you disappear, limb by limb
They don't need to tell you how bad he is for you like you don't already know. He doesn't love you the way you want him to.  You hurt most of the time. Sometimes you think he's with someone else.
 What they don't know is how alive you feel when he's deep inside you. Joint to him like that, you are full of love and warmth, ready to forgive everything. In that moment  you hold onto him desperately as you would do for your life and he makes you forget everything else. Nothing else matters then. Just you and him and that moment heavy with so much emotion.

So what if you prefer grey men? What if they love your skin better than younger guys who ransack you with rough hands? What if they are more attentive, more present?

So what if as a guy you prefer the rugged and firm body of another guy. He steals glances, you steal glances, even from afar, you intoxicate each other.

So what if you prefer staggering home each night from work than face your bickering wife? What if discovering the bottom of each bottle of beer offers the comfort you need after a difficult day?

They don't need to understand why you chose this life of sin. If they don't understand the pain you live with, they don't need to understand what you do to get by.


Wednesday, 15 March 2017

Lessons on Love

 "...Begging for love is suicide...You deserve more attention than his phone, you deserve quality time not just time, you deserve effort not just routines, you deserve to be treated as if you are priority not the last thing on his checklist. "

 1. Love can be paralysing
You wondered why you couldn't leave him. Everyday you practised your farewell speech which was based on how you knew he didn't love you anymore and you deserved better. Things were different from how it was when it began. You no longer got his cute morning texts, he stopped calling and he took hours to respond to your messages. You felt like you were begging him to love you each time you complained about how things were not the same. How can you be with someone and still feel so alone? Everyday you felt a new pain, everyday you wanted to leave, but instead of the farewell speech, you called him in defeat with your voice reeking of neediness to 'check on him and find out how his day was going' because somehow his name took root in your throat and everything reminded you of his mouth. How could you possibly leave when you had drowned yourself in him and you felt completely helpless?


2. Unrequited love is one of the most horrible things in this world, but loving someone who loves another is worse.
Where did you learn to find the unavailable so attractive? Your first kiss was with a guy who would bully you in front of his friends but call you to the empty classroom to reach for the under of your skirt. Your first love was a guy with a girlfriend. And she was beautiful and perfect in a way you felt you could never be. You would watch him carry her up in his arms with his eyes full of love. After years of loving men who never chose you, you never felt enough. You tried to change and become more like her - softer, prettier. You closed your mouth more. He didn't need to hear about how your day went, your achievements and your big dreams. He didn't need to know what made you smile. You tried being a girl you thought would be easier to love. But was that enough still?

3. Love the one that loves you. It's safer.
Why do you do this - want the one that doesn't want you? Leave the one that wants to stay? You pick the one that makes you worry he's with someone else when he's not with you. He tells you no man can live up to the one in your head. That you're being too needy, too sensitive. When all you want is to feel loved. How hard is it? You don't notice the one that leaves 5 missed calls on your phone and messages. You don't notice the one that keeps begging for a chance.

4. Learn from your mother's silent regrets.
Your mother learnt to live with a closed mouth and a fat body full of disappointments; all the years of being an accessory to a man – to feed his ego 'his silent obedient wife who cooks good meals, cleans the house, washes his clothes, gives him children- more importantly male children'. A silent obedient wife who looks the other way when her husband comes home drunk and reeking of adultery. A silent obedient wife that does not question his authority. "Marriage isn't about love, it's about tolerating the other person". How long can you tolerate a person for? Every year the same weak smile, the same sad eyes, the same grave nod in agreement to whatever her husband says, the same silence. Is that living?

5. Go spiritual 

Prayer is the key we are told. After how many heartbreaks is someone allowed to run mad? Sometimes you would wonder how inhuman and cruel what they did was; come into your life like that, turn everything upside down, make you love them and then leave like nothing happened while you're left to hold together the pieces of what is left of your heart. There should be a special place in hell for people like them. There should be an eleventh commandment condemning such an act. "Thou shalt not destroy thy neighbour's life in the name of love". You asked God time and time again, "Why did you let this happen?" "Why did you let me meet this person?" "Was I not just fine by myself?” Each night night you recited the name of all the demons that had broken you like a song while clutching to your chest. Will the pain ever go away? You wish them hell, you wish them pain, you pray someone destroys them the same way they destroyed you.