27-May-2015.

Feeling beautiful things for the first time can be confusing
It always feels like its the only time, like that is the only person
that will ever love you
So you become silent, you settle, accept whatever, make excuses
Tinu was silent through an abusive relationship
Bola settled for being Alhaji's mistress
Ronke accepted the disrespectful insulting words of her husband even in front of their guests on his 50th birthday celebration
Ayo made excuses for her husband, when he came home late, drunk and reeking of another woman.
The first time isn't the last time, so do not hold on to someone who doesn't love you enough, respect you enough.

Some of us, have never really felt  love, joy, pure attention, real connection.
To some of us, life is a wilderness, loneliness is family
Some of us have spent years, waiting to feel our hearts flutter
Waiting to be called someone else's
Sometimes we blame ourselves, make ourselves feel less of a person
undesirable, unloved, not wanted.
Being in a world and meeting nothing that wants you can do that to you
Sometimes when you're at the edge of your own cliff, all you really need is a long deep weep in the arms of someone you love,
No words.
someone who loves you enough to hold you and understand
Your 21'st birthday wish was to find love, for someone to touch you in those places, for someone to even want to
You wonder how empty 25 years can be and how the fuck can someone go 25 years without being touched, without being loved like that?
Please, be gentle and patient with yourself
These feelings you haven't felt yet, give them time, they are almost here.

5-3-2014

She was where love came to die. Her heart was weighed down by the heaviness of their absence, each one of them. She made a room for everyone of them even after they left. She still entertained thoughts of them still and the lives she could be living if they stayed. It came from being too easy to talk to, from getting so attached too easily, from being too straightforward in a world where everyone did and said the opposite of what they felt.

Every time she tells her body no. She tells her heart not to. Tells her senses not to pick up the nice compliments, his intense eyes, how warm his fingers feel when they hold hers, the way his presence heat her up on the inside, the way his lips welcomes hers to deeper intimacy when he kisses her goodnight.

Sam was honey. She didn't need to tell him she needed him. He was always there, doing things, saying things, making her believe she was not alone. Till he just stopped and her world stopped too.

Tony thought he wanted her. He found something dark and appealing about her silence, her eager eyes, the nakedness of her words. He found himself exhausted on the second day after they met. Messaging her became a chore. She needed too much.

Ron was a tornado that carried her in his rotating wind. He said the right words that had him buried against her breasts, his harsh loud breaths on her skin in tune with his careless thrusts into her. His was the shortest and the easiest to understand. She knew what he wanted, she didn't expect him to stick around but he left her devastated all the same, a bit less of the person that she was.