Thursday, 27 June 2013

"Can't We All Just Get Along?"

So the quiet has helped me coordinate my thoughts and for the first time, I can write about the events of tuesday morning. I hate to look at the thing. It kills me to. That is what hurts me the most, not the constant pain the wound feeds me with. Tuesday I cried, shouting at the Universe. I think she doesn't like me. Sometimes. I think I've annoyed her. For asking too many questions perhaps? Or for being independent maybe? "Can't We All Just Get Along?" I asked in tears as I made my way to the health centre. I haven't reacted to the accident since then. People think I'm mad when I tell them my story smiling. Well the story is crazy. So my story and I have that in common. I've learnt one thing from this episode. I am strong. Stronger than I ever thought I was. I look into the mirror and I cannot recognize the face staring at me. There are days like the ones I'm going through now. Days you look into your own eyes and discover colors you never imagined in them. Days you need to remember you, and that you are stronger than you know. This is when you find beauty in your scars and hold them up as medals of victory. It is now I feel I look most beautiful. 'Sometimes' is not 'everytime' I've realized. It's not everytime that I am quiet, sad and depressed. Most of you think it's who I am. Sometimes I feel. A lot. Enough to absorb the feelings of others as my own. Sometimes I don't feel. Times like this I become numb and distant. Sometimes I think too much. Other times I stare into space with nothing on my mind. Sometimes I'm confused. Sometimes I'm certain of what I feel. Sometimes i understand too much. Other times I don't understand at all. It goes on. I'm more than what you think I am. More than what I think I am. Going through this has made me believe that. For those who still have not heard my story, I sat on a hot iron that was on my bed and burnt my right butt. It's crazy. I know right?

Wednesday, 19 June 2013


You're confused now. Confused and hurt.
Everything tastes like pain
The salt of your tears, the cookies, the cake and the food also
You're tired of getting hurt
Your love has been nothing but pure and giving
But all you receive is garnished with regret
People will never understand the sadness in your eyes
Or the hurt that hides behind your words.

I am talking to you today

We know the guys how easily they get turned on. How easy they respond to the tight short clothes you girls intentionally put on. But no, I'm not talking to them, I'm talking to you today. You're the the lonely girl who tries desperately to hide how sad you are. You're the girl who lies on her bed, touching herself in the dark. You're the girl who would give anything to be noticed. I am talking to you. The girl who acts tough but is like jelly inside. The needy girl who fronts like she don't want you. Do you feel horny when he gives you that look? Do you feel your insides clench when his arm mistakenly brushes yours? Do you sing for joy because your heart tells you he wants you? Do you get wet cause of his sexy husky voice over the phone? You are ashamed of your raging hormones so you don't tell him how much you want him. Your inexperienced mind wants to venture into the unknown. Your body is craving to be molested. You want to be ravished by his mouth, his hands, every which way. I'm talking to you, the girl who is too scared to love. You dream of Mr Right each night. You enjoy having him hold you in your dreams just that he don't stay till sunrise. You're a devoted believer in love but you are too afraid to leap. You make me sad. You are too broken to receive what you cannot give. I'm talking to you. The girl who loves generously, giving all the love in your heart to the wrong people. You watch the horror movie that is your life. You watch these people trample over your heart. But you're too scared to be alone so you love some more. I'm talking to you today. You're the girl with the dirtiest mind I've seen. I see you, the way you stare at the boys and girls alike. You scare me sometimes. I see the lust in your eyes, its going to drive you insane. You live for those passionate moments, the few minutes of heated sex in those dark corners, the cars, the beds. It is these moments you come most alive. I am talking to you. The girl who struggles for attention. You follow the football matches, drink, smoke just so you'd look cool enough to be considered as his girl. You are lost. very lost. You lose yourself to become someone you think he wants. I am talking to you today.

Love's first kiss.

There are times when things become clearer, times when the things you couldn't understand suddenly become so simple. You realize you've always known the truth. Times like this seem the longest. You also remember.
You remember  how it felt when he first kissed you. You remember how your small body leaned into his big one. You remember his hand circle your waist drawing you closer. Apparently close isn't close enough. You remember how his tongue teased your mouth. You remember how you forgot to breathe. How your mind couldn't understand the multitude of emotions flowing through so it let you just feel. You remember how your body responded till you finally let out that first moan against his mouth. You remember how your heart warmed up and smiled.
You also remember how those moments seemed forever short. You remember how bad you wanted more. You remember how you hugged your pillow those nights. You remember the million times you wished him there to hold you. You remember when those songs made you think of him. You remember the times he came to you in your dreams. You remember the times you felt alone only because he wasn't there...


People like us wander in the shadows
People like us live for the darkness
And yet we are still afraid of the darkness
speaking in hushed whispers
moving silently on soft feet
People like us were made to run
From the good, the bad and the ugly
People like us breathe fear
We are slaves to the demons that hold our minds bound
People like us are the hugest believers in love
we believe in happy ever afters and fairy tales
People like us are to romantic for relationships
We are alone for noone would ever understand or bear the way we love
So all we have is the darkness
And the ghostly mirage of "the one" in our heads
we live for the moments when he comes to us in our sleep

"No matter how bad we hurt, no matter how much we bleed, Love will never leave us alone" 10 June 2013. -Okwukwe.

Monday, 10 June 2013

31, May 2013.

Life is always going to be this way
We give ourselves problems that do not exist
Life is simple
We just make it complicated ourselves
I've not had it easy
So you must understand
I need the universe to forgive me
for sins of independency and adamancy
Ask her to once again come and protect me
from the many woes that plague mankind