Friday, 30 August 2013
Wednesday, 28 August 2013
...It is in pain that our minds release the most wonderful expressions. It is when we hurt that our heart spits out creativity in disgust. It is when we are broken that our words are most alive....
...I cannot stop thinking about last night and how beautiful your eyes were in the darkness. In them I saw a desire that reflected my own. I remember how sweet your mouth tasted. How my small palms cradled your face. How despite my helplessness, I wanted to protect you....
...I was too tired to understand why bad things happen to good people. Its been a reoccurring event. In the morning I was half mad with sleep. I am rambling because I don't want to say that I was heartbroken when I didn't see you yesterday...
...Your hands were warm as they held my cold ones. I didn't want you to leave me on my lonely bed to face the cold night alone. I thought I saw something reassuring in your eyes but the darkness made me uncertain of what I saw...
...I've realized its okay not to understand sometimes. We simply cannot have the answers to everything. Half of my emotions are strangers with no names. Tormenting me to confusion. But today, I want to smile so I'm concentrating on beautiful things like love and how its brings true happiness...
Tuesday, 27 August 2013
Monday, 26 August 2013
Things became worse when I entered secondary school. When Mama noticed I had started growing breasts, she made me wear big clothes. "Your body is God's temple", she said "...respect it". When we walked to the market together. She would make disgusted noises when she saw the young ladies skimpily dressed. Her "hmm"s and "haaa"s and "Tufikwa"s would be loud enough for the person it was directed to. Some of them walked past quickly, ashamed of themselves, others would eye Mama and hiss or throw in and insult or two. During such occasions, I would be quite embarrassed and quietly pray for the ground to open up and swallow me. One night, Mama came to me while I was sleeping, feeling my legs, then my laps, her hands traveled still in between my legs. I tried hard not to cringe, and lay still. After a while, she left the room. The next morning she called me. "Adanma, you sleep like a drunk, a man can have his way with you. You must learn to sleep with one eye open always." So the next time she came to me. I held her hand to stop her and she nodded in satisfaction and kissed my forehead. "Sleep well my child" and left the room.
I began to know sadness more than before and in a new light when I entered the University. I had no friends. In fact maybe no one wanted to be my friend. I was the girl they laughed at. I was the girl who wore the worn out clothes that were several sizes bigger than her. Guys wanted nothing to do with me, girls also.I knew loneliness intimately. Mama still came around to make sure I didn't backslide from the ways of the Lord. She came to talk to anyone who would listen to her. My professors pitied me. Some advised her to let me be, that I was grown enough to make my own choices. Instead she told me to beware of those lecturers that she was sure they wanted to sleep with me. Mama would make me kneel outside when she was about to leave and she would pray for me in the open where other people on campus would see and laugh. Mama made me scream amen to the prayers. If I was not loud enough or if I did not say "Amen" when I was supposed to, Mama would knock me hard on the head for being ashamed of Jesus. "If you are ashamed of Jesus, He will be ashamed of you too". Mama scarred me in so many ways. But I feared her too much to disobey her. Sometimes I wished her dead in my mind. The only reason why I never added that in my prayers is that I feared the thought of her dying as much as I feared her....
Thursday, 22 August 2013
Wednesday, 21 August 2013
Make Love to every sickening second of it
Let your life pass before you in slow motion
Live every moment
Laugh at your woes and misfortunes
Caress hurt in her face
Let fear have your heart in her cold hands
Be a friend of the darkness
Know your sorrow intimately
Lick away your tears
Maybe, just maybe
If we let the worst come to us
If we take in all the bad
It would become part of us
Then maybe it wont hurt so much
Look evil right in the face
And dine with the devil
Live our lives so well
That death will tremble to take us.....
But behind that smile is tears. Real nigga tears. Tears of Blood. Tears born from pain. Tears that make the hurt worse because crying and being that weak is unacceptable. I cry because I can see it all. Because when these people I love are desperate to be part of my life I won't be accommodating. But I smile because of the ones that hurt me the most. I smile because they must smile, even when they hurt me. I will smile because I can't bare to see them cry. Behind my smile is a life plagued with betrayal. I bend backwards and most times break to see them smile. But I break and no ones cares enough to help fix or tend to my injuries. I'm never what they want, and when I change for them I'm no longer who I was, a perpetual circle of inadequacy. Today I write without the grace of the skilled writer I am. Fuck my art, and Fuck your opinions. Today I share with you all of my heart, and even if you hate my writing, you will acknowledge these emotions. One way or the other. So get angry, be sad, be happy be whatever. You have already shared in this pain. Behind my smile is health challenges, a tumor and potential heart failure to go with it. Behind it is a life that will be spent on medication and uncertainty. Behind my beautiful smile is a struggle to forgive my family. To forgive their insensitivity, to forgive mistakes they made that forever changed my life. Behind my smile is a pain, because I know others have it worse than I do. Pain because I can see how ungrateful I am. Pain because I'm a bad person and I'm selfish. Behind my smile is a pain, real pain from people who have tried to kill me, pain from the scars and the bullet wounds. Pain because one day when I might be killed in front of my daughter, or my family will know pain because of me. There's more pain. Pain because I love you and you throw it back at me. Pain because I love you and you and you. Pain because I see you in pain in the future, and despite the depths I go to to prevent that, your naivete has blinded you to reason. Pain because I can't feed the dying child on the street, or bring the husband of that wailing woman back to life. Pain because the people I love die, and I can't do anything to save them, and no one cares to wipe these tears. Pain because I can't be understood, and everybody always points to my inadequacies. LoL fuck it my pain is real, and it lies behind every smile, and every single "I'm fine". Pain because I'm all alone in this world, with nobody to lean on really, left to hurt and get injured and heal and lift myself back up. Pain because the burden of doing it alone is overwhelming. Pain because I'm grateful that God trusts me so much, but then the burden of that trust must be felt. But then behind my smile is pain, and behind my pain is greatness. The greatness that makes me able to bear the pain. A greatness that not many possess. A greatness that begs me to forgive you all. A greatness that is God's goodness. A greatness neither one of us can ignore. This goodness is My Pain, My Smile and My Greatness.
Tuesday, 20 August 2013
Sunday, 18 August 2013
Take a deep breath
Let the waves of calm wash over you
Feel your nerves relax
What you fear does not exist
It is we who create the monsters that torment us
In our minds, in our minds
Some of us die without living.
Look at life
Like a painting
See how beautiful it looks all wrong and rough
Smile at every little thing
Find happiness even in silliest of things
You need the laughter
You need to laugh at Life.
Do not let life overcome you
With sorrow, sadness or hurt.
Find love in the purest of places
Love yourself, love living.
You may not be perfect
But know the beauty in imperfection
You are beautiful darling, in one too many ways
You feel out of place because you see things different
They call you werid, crazy misfit
They are just words
You're most beautiful in your madness
Its raining now outside
But you can overcome
If only you can rise above it all
Their burdening gossip and the heaviness of the rain
If only you can laugh through it all
Then and only then
You have truely lived.
I have no strength to gather my thoughts together
So have them as they are
Untamed and flying around.....
Too much of you around to remind me of how bad you hurt me
I let you mess with my head
For a little longer
Telling myself I was still safe somehow
That I hadn't let you get to me, get to me much
There's no excuse for being full of excuses
I just needed you to stick around just a little longer
I let me forget myself, a little too much
And I let your scent lead me to nowhere
Now I'm lost and I need to remember
Who I am
How I got to this place
You hold my hand but I see you on the other side
On the other side of the water with that other girl
I remember how I always felt cold
I was cold because you were busy keeping her warm
Now I'm drowning in my regrets
My thoughts are eating me
As there are no remedies for memories.
And nights like this
Sleep has refused to know me
She would rather sit and watch me with mocking eyes
Watch me bleed for love.
I'm safest by myself
But I fear my empty bed and the long nights
Now I don't care if you love me
Or you think you do
I'm going to wander off
Chasing my own scent this time
And let Life happen for me
Find myself and my rebellion
I'm tired of singing your song
I can still feel you touching me
Your cold hands like death
Begging me to return
Telling me you own me
But baby this is where our story ends
I will let my heart soar
And the one I never thought will come
The one that would give me the world
The one that will make me his everything
Friday, 16 August 2013
Thursday, 15 August 2013
And convince myself it was the water and not my tears that flowed
Everyday welcomed a new pain
I became my own grief
Sometimes I wondered whether the stars held any promise
Or tomorrow would be as dark as yesterday
I wondered why we were so alike.
Like our souls were tied together
Like our hearts were one, one and not two
I thought being with you was different from all the others
I had never been this connected to another being like this before
We were like one plant, two branches intertwined
I wondered why I thought we were forever
When I knew you still wouldn't understand what it felt like to me be
Inside me I knew you would be lost too
somewhere in the ocean like the others I had loved.
Maybe its me, maybe its life
Somehow I hoped your heart heard mine
and those times I silently begged
For you to understand
For you not to wander away
Or I hoped I could see your mind. Inside inside
Maybe, just maybe I would have known before you said goodbye
Or maybe you wouldnt have left me
Maybe I wouldnt be singing aloud to myself
Maybe I wouldnt be praying to unexist
Maybe I wouldnt have needed to buy all those teddies for my bed
Maybe I'd not fear closing my eyes to sleep
Maybe I'd smile back at the people at work
Maybe I wont scream at my dog so often
Maybe I would have fed the cat and she wouldnt have run away
Maybe I would have remembered to cover the parrot and she wouldnt have died of cold
Maybe I would have paid attention to the needs of the monkeys and now I think they've gone mad
Maybe I wouldnt have had to buy all these animals
To fill up that space
That kept growing
After you said goodbye.
Wednesday, 14 August 2013
Do you know the first thing about love? You were too insecure when I first met you. I changed all that. Made you feel beautiful. Made you feel important. I loved you. Every way I could, even more. Do you see the way I hurt at all? My hyper ventilation. See the way I'm struggling to breathe. See the way I'm struggling to live. Only because you act the way you do. Selfish. Stupid and Ignorant. You act like you don't know when you stab my heart, you act like you cant hear my deafening screams each time you wander off with any boy, just anyone who gives you just a little attention. You know these boys and all they are searching for is a little fun. You tell me about your dreams to be a wild one. You're foolish enough to tell me to wait for you to let you wander off into the kind of life your heart yearns for. And I'm more foolish that I actually consider your offer. I have loved you to foolishness. Ive been everything you needed me to be and more. And yet when I need you. When I need you to just understand. You become cold and distant. My darling, do you know the first thing about love? It is selfless. It is giving. It is forgiving. That was why I forgave you every time and everything . But then we always find ourselves back at that place where I'm hurting again because you want to live whilst your young. You like the other boys that claim to like you. I endure the pain. I just watch you flirt the way you do. Shamelessly with them. Its long becoming insulting. Like I don't exist. I almost gave up on my life. Because I loved you. You made me question my worth. Whether I was enough human to live. Whether I was enough man for you. Now I'm just afraid. Of the way I kill myself for you. I fear I maybe stupid enough to wait for you. Maybe now I'm just angry. That I fell in love with the devil. You are a devil because you know what you are doing and you do it anyways. My young ignorant girl, you know nothing about love. But let me teach you one thing. Never rubbish the feelings of the one person in the world who genuinely loves you. Because at the end I'm all you really have. You're pushing me away. And all your boyfriends, they like the weather will pass. And at the end all you will be is cold, lonely and sad.
Tuesday, 13 August 2013
"No!" , she screams. He slaps her hard on the mouth before she can utter another word. She struggles to remain conscious. It was harder that way but she had to fight. She had always been a fighter. She had fought for him once upon a time. Before she knew his ugliness. He was good to look at, fine features, something you'd put at home like a trophy or medal. The girls were numerous. She remembered how hard she had to try. To keep him satisfied. "Pleasure wins the heart of a man", they say. Sex. Food. Laughter. So she made it happen. She became all he needed. Porn star. Cook. Clown. She bled to his satisfaction. That wasn't what hurt her most. It was the fact he did not discourage the other girls. They would always come around. She remembered the days she'd burn with jealousy in silence. Watch him laugh with them like he never did with her. Those days, she'd hug her pillow while her heart cried to her the new jokes she'd tell him. No one knew her pain. No one saw her suffering. They all thought them to be a cute couple. Sometimes she cursed the gods for their wickedness. Making her love him. She questioned his delay. Why he hadn't asked her out yet. It was her prayer every night. Finally, the gods answered, they were tired of her prayers so they let her have what she wanted. Sometimes unanswered prayers are intended to protect us from our demise. Its just that we don't know we cannot read the minds of the gods, can we? We are too stubborn to understand. So she danced in the skies, she danced in the waters, she danced on the mountains, the night he asked her to be his girl. Probably it was her fault, maybe she just didn't see the need to try anymore. He started to talk. He started to complain. He started to shout. He started to hit her.She could never understand how fast things had changed. It had been a month and a day and she had begun to curse the day she was born. She wondered why she had been blinded or whether she had just refused to see. She lay now with her torn sad clothes, almost lifeless on the ground. Apart from today, she had been raped six times. Somewhere inside, her mad heart still sang, "I love him, I love him.." This was why she wouldn't leave. This was why she couldn't tell anyone. She hardly left the house. She could never explain the bruises that were forever on her body, the ones she couldn't hide. She only tended to her wounds to get hurt again. Sometimes she wondered why she bothered cleaning them at all. Worse were the scars that couldn't be seen. She was a damaged girl now, with so much hurt that drove her to madness. They were not married. It was just a relationship. Yet her life was no longer her own. She belonged to him now. His punch bag. His sex slave. His maid. She was only nineteen yet she felt so old. She finally let the tears flow. She never cried for herself. She wept for her family and all the people that had warned her. The ones she had ignored. The ones that truly loved her.
Monday, 12 August 2013
Wednesday, 7 August 2013
Tuesday, 6 August 2013
Sunday, 4 August 2013
Her eyes held a familiar pain. One I knew too well to turn away. I was mezmerized to find a story so like mine. I stared deeper. The colors in her eyes told her story. One filled with love, one filled with hurt, one filled with pain. But then I saw her smile. Something I never did. A bright smile from the heart. Life could be beautiful the smile said. It moved me. I walked toward her with purpose. Everything drew me to her. The light I saw in her was enough to send away my darkness. She reached out till I was able to hold her hand. Then I knew I'd never have to be alone again. She squeezed my small fingers softly. I had found a new strength. I smiled back at her and finally spoke, "I love you Tife Soloye".
Saturday, 3 August 2013
Its been a while. But hey I'm a graduate.I've been thinking of the right words for several minutes. To explain how and what i feel inside. But fuck it. I am a graduate. There are no words for this. I am a graduate. I'd keep saying the words till they sink down deep. I am a graduate. Till I understand the words enough to fear them. I am a graduate. Till I begin to wonder about tomorrows uncertainty. I am a graduate. Till i look back and smile at the past and the people I left with it. I'm a graduate. Alot has changed. Hopefully I visit here more often.