Monday, 19 September 2016

How to be in a relationship

1. Strive to become what he wants in a woman (starve yourself, do squats, learn to cook numerous delicaces). What you want in a man is not important. You should be grateful you even have a man.

2. Get used to the loneliness that comes with being in a relationship.  No one likes a needy girl. Understand that your man has other important things in his life like football, drinking with his friends, work, family, etc.

3. Accept whatever you get; lies, unreturned phone calls, dates only once a week, lateness to all the dates.

4. Do not complain about anything. Its not attractive to nag. Learn to close your mouth more. Don't argue, it's not necessary.  Your opinions don't matter. His beliefs should be your beliefs.

5.  There will be other girls. You can't simply hold a man down. Be thankful you're the one he chose to be his girlfriend.

6. Sex is the most important factor in a relationship. So darling, don't be naive, open your tight shut legs up for your man. Show him how much of a secret pornstar you are if you want to keep that man.

7. Be a mind reader. You're supposed to know; what your man is thinking of,  when he's in a mood, what he wants.  Men hate talking about feelings and they get upset when you don't understand. So the gift of mind reading is important so you'll know and act in the appropriate manner.

8. Don't have high expectations. Don't have expectations at all. Don't expect romance, flowers or random gifts. They're fairytales. They happen only in movies.

9. Look pretty for your man always; draw your brows, contour your face. He needs to be proud youre his girl. It doesn't matter if he's an ugly baboon and looks as fat as five bags of rice combined. He's your baby, so beautiful on the inside.

10. Forgive yourself for settling for something less than you deserve. It makes it easier.

Monday, 12 September 2016


My voice was born from years of silence, years of being afraid, years of being ashamed, years of being in unbearable pain - the type of pain where in the deadness of the night you're curled on your bed clutching your heart, barely breathing, sobbing uncontrollably.

My voice is my mother, pouring her entire soul, blood and energy into someone - without wanting anything in return.

My voice is my father who fought wars within- the ones we never understood. All we did was hide from the stern man who always found something wrong with us.

My voice is the girl who was let to be vulnerable,  the one who opened herself up like a flower to the worst kind of dog that preyed on her vulnerability and left her feeling less of a person - questioning whether she was enough.

My voice is the child who was so beautifully born, but carries the burden of his father's words - stupid, bad, worthless, lazy, dumb.

My voice is the girl who is still looking for love at 30. Having no one stepping forward to call you his own does something to you. You begin to think there is something wrong with you. You become desperate to find love in anybody - a wife beater, a drunk, a womaniser.

My voice is the boy who was raped at 5 for the first time by his uncle who was giving him a bath. He slapped you and told you you're not man enough to bear a little pain. You grew up shrinking inside, dreading going into the men's washroom anywhere for fear of being abused.

My voice are the helpless people on the streets of lagos, the ones who sleep by the road side, the ones who do not know where the next meal will come from, the ones with throats so dry they could barely beg.