When you have the urge to waste your life before it begins. When your own future means nothing anymore cause you've lost faith in yourself. When you feel like slitting your wrists and watching your own blood run out. Would it be a sin to hate your life so much it hurts you to live? Would it be a sin to relieve yourself of the continuous pain you endure each day? Would you still have to suffer in eternal damnation after hurting so much in this life? Wouldn't God be a bit merciful to grant you that closure, that relief you need in your afterlife?
Tolani lost her mom to an unknown disease. She fought to save her life despite their state of destitution. Truth was that her mother was destined to die right from the first morning she complained of the terrible headaches. Friends and family turned their backs on them and even then, no matter the amount she would have come up with, she could only afford the local clinic whose efforts to stamp out the disease were hampered by a poverty of medical supplies and the negligence of the doctors. Now she was tossed around among relatives who used her but never wanted to keep her. She was presently with Uncle Arinze who carried his too-drunk self to her bed instead of his wife's. And his wife detested her for it, making her work for the penance of her husband's sin. Tolani now carried her uncle's child in her womb. She could no longer dream of a life, for a future. The abomination in her womb took all that away.
Tuesday, 14 January 2014
Some of us live to not forget. We carry scars heavy as bags of cement that crush our hearts so hard sometimes we fight to breathe. When love turns into sour milk, or when you give your heart to someone who cares just enough to let it fall into nothingness, or when you trust enough to believe in someone to never fail you, to always have your back. You trust that person enough to believe anything.
Loving someone is different for me. Exposing a wild part of myself that I had not understood enough to tame. So I avoided being emotionally involved with anyone for the fear of being too extreme. Until him. He made me feel safe enough to bare all of myself in the most shameless way. Maybe I wanted him to love me so bad I ignored to see whether he actually did love me. I mean why would you want to make someone who claims to love you, love you when he says he already does. I was too busy fighting for his attention, trying to revive our dead conversations to accept the obvious. I'm still trying to understand what I would have done differently. I would have never known.
Something about him made time and my breath cease for fleeting seconds. Whenever I got his messages, the times I got desperate enough to dial his number and when we went on dates. He wasn't what I wanted but he was enough. Enough for me to love blindly and ignore what I considered as petty shortcomings.
What seems petty is just what we are allowed to see. The exposed small part of something bigger lurking in the darkness. I feared for what hid in the darkness behind your eyes and inside your mind. The darkness brings a lot of things along with it. The darkness that night brought more than I could handle. I remember my excitedness. The dark lace lingerie I had on under my danshiki. The one I paid through my teeth for. The one that was to make your jaw drop and your pupils dilate. I had the keys to your apartment. It was to be a surprise. You thought I was at the other end of lagos, sleeping already maybe. It was 11pm. First thing I heard was the shower. Then laughter. You were not alone. Or you were. Something was off. I expected the imaginary girl I had always feared. But I walked into something my poor mind would have never conjured. Another male was with him in the shower. They held each other and laughed. The most horrifying part was the kiss. How they kissed so passionately. That was when my knees couldn't keep me standing and I stumbled back so I feel backwards, luckily finding the wall for support. It was his best friend. Again he took my breath away but differently this time, this time I wished to die.