Thursday 9 November 2017

Lessons on Love part 2.

1. Sometimes loving someone can mean being in constant pain
Any type of love comes with pain. Its intense when someone you love hurts you. But this is different. It always starts with him making you happy. Blushing at everything. He will swear to love you forever. He will tell you he's certain you're the one who would hurt him. This gets into you head. You feel irreplaceable. It warms your heart towards him. Gosh hes so vulnerable right? ---weeks/months later you're staring at your phone for hours waiting for him to reply your texts. You dont feel irreplaceable anymore. More like second choice, third or fifth. You struggle with the madness of guessing whether he loves you still or not. You wonder how terrible it feels to be with someone and feel so alone

2. There are names you will never forget.

Ibrahim, Tobi, Akin, Ade, John...
People that tattooed their names on your heart and on your skin....
Tobi, the guy in your class, fourth year in college, that pushed you against the door, held your hands down and aggressively took your lips with his, trailed his tongue down your neck and kissed the lobe of your ears - you moaned out his name...you remember feeling dizzy after while trying to make your way back to your seat.

3. There will always be silences.

Communication is key in every relationship. You knew that. The both of you were going to be different. Tell each other everything. But was that really possible? Could you tell him about how terrible he made you feel sometimes? Did he tell you that about his conversations with her and the jokes that they privately shared? Did you tell him that you felt he loved her and not you?

4. You will always make the same mistakes.

From the age 12 you had formed the bad habit of loving people who were not yours to love. From loving other girls' boyfriends to loving other women's husbands. Each new experience worse than the previous. Pouring your soul into someone who you couldn't really call yours. You had learnt to love in secret at a tender age; their tongues down your throat in school corners to your legs spread open for them in hotel rooms or their secret apartments.

5. Claiming your life back is the greatest struggle 

When someone becomes your life support, it's hard to go back to what your life was before them. Sometimes living becomes unbreakable. Everything reminds you of him; his eyes, his smile, his voice, his scent...
Memories hunt you. Some days you feel like you're making progress and the next minutes you find yourself breaking down into tears.

November 9 2017.

Some of us are struggling to become our own heroes again. We lay sleepless wondering how we've failed ourselves; how we let someone else define what our happiness is.

It always begins subtly: texting too often, opening up about dirty little secrets, smiling shyly and looking away when he catches your eye. And suddenly it's like a routine, your heart automatically adds him to your to do list - first person you text in the morning and last person you text at night. And your day doesn't feel complete when you don't speak to him.

There are questions we struggle with - how does one hold back some parts of  oneself and not give everything? Is it something we really have control of? Why does it seem like some of us are so unlucky with love? Always picking the difficult types - the ones that leaves you in tears, gripping you where it hurts the most.

Some of us spend a long time grieving. It's hard to understand how you fell so helplessly. How you trusted him to do right by your heart. It's devastating to realize you spent time giving all of yourself to someone who wasn't honest enough about loving you. Do not punish yourself for falling in love, giving yourself, trusting, laughing when he made you laugh and missing him when he's not there.

A day will come when you'll discover thoughts of him loving someone else won't make your heart hurt and beat rapidly like it wants to beat right out of your chest. It won't make you act crazy conjuring stories in your head of what could be going on. Hopefully you find bits of yourself again till you become whole and at peace.