Monday, 21 May 2012

20 may 2012

I hate love
It makes a fool of you
and squashes u on the ground like an insect
Broken, defeated, destabilized
leaves you brutually wounded for death
the worst kind, the most painful ones
where you feel your heart bleed from hurt
where you pray to die fast
where you detest living
and see tomorrow as a curse.
It gives you false hope
that makes your soul worry
and then your worst fears come alive
just as you thought they would
and your only companion would be
the tears, the hurt, the shame
they never go away
they push you further into nothingness
when you do not know what,how,when,where
it hurts the most
pain takes you through each day
then your only prayer is to disappear,
vanish from the face of the earth
but then you are already dead
because what you live is indeed death
but what kills you the second time
is looking into the eyes of the one who hurt you
the one you loved.

Sunday, 13 May 2012


I would just sit here
watch her lips move
she seems so loud
but then I hear nothing
her eyes are wide with excitement
her gestures very frantic
her hands, her head, the movement
she's trying to make me understand
I would rather understand other things tho
like why my hair didnt turn out right
like why she just wont say yes
like why I havent made my mom happy
or why I had nothing to say on the phone
why she dint tell me she was sick
Or some that dont just have answers
like why's the sky so blue this morning
or why the clouds dont look amazing without stars
or why cant I be in Milan now
or why do I think I'm in love
Many questions, no answers
I want to understand
Why I cant make any sense
from all what this woman is saying.

Almost four

I need to be saved
from the excessive bleeding of my heart
or the anoying pain deep in the pit of my stomach
its almost four
and i feel i almost lost her
just the same exact way
i thought i almost had her.
i need to be saved
from my many tears I cry into my pillow
or the weight of my unreciprocated love
its almost four
and almost all my fears are back
just the same exact way
i almost wanted to believe she didnt love her.
I need to be saved
from the lonliness and the emptiness
or the fact i literally feel like shit
its almost four
i almost said goodbye
and that same exact minute
i almost wanted to die.

My pen and paper

I love this pen, this paper. You are my place of release. I look forward to pouring out my random craziness into your poor but ever receptive and never judgmental pages. You’ll be my only true companion. You wont call me “freak”, ”white girl”, ”dumb blonde” like the others. You wont misunderstand what I tell you, you wont go telling everyone my deep secrets. You wont run away from me. I feel you understand what’s happening now. I know life is hard but this isn’t how bad it was intended to be. Its TOO MUCH. Its not human for one to hurt this much. So I am alone now. Very alone. It is in this sober moment that I want to go over my life and ponder, prolly discover where I went wrong in my life. Ha! I have been all wrong from the start. The kind of wrong, that’s so wrong that its just right I guess. Even the way I see life is wrong. I have done many wrong things in my life. I don’t think I guess. No I think too much. But at the wrong times. I’m the spontaneous type. I don’t think before making major decisions, and when it goes wrong, I’d think the whole year in misery, sadness and regret.