Monday, 30 July 2012

A New Story

She was numb. She was lifeless. She was drained of every atom of life. This was my girl friend, every time I made love to her. I wasn’t her first. She had been doing this long before she met me. The sex was almost disgusting as I always got irritated of how hard and horny I was. She made me think that sex was disgusting. I really liked her. I tried so hard to control my urges. Not that she argued or complained. I mean, she always said yes. But then her body would scream.”NO! NO!! NO!!!” At a particular point in time I thought something was wrong with her. Emotionally. Psychologically. Physically. Medically. My mind couldn’t decide on which one it was. So my sex life became sooo dead. I resolved to wanking off at magazines and pornos when she wasn’t around. I hadn’t the balls to cheat until now. And this girl made everything change. She was in my group for carrying out a project for our final paper. She had always been in my class. I never really noticed her till now. So shy. So quiet. So na├»ve with those huge eyes that seem to pierce deep into your soul. I did not know how this began. She was not the prettiest girl. She was not so attractive. Never haunting till now. Her frail body. Those compelling dark eyes. Her red lipstick made my eyes catch them every single second. Her well shaped bum, a bit big for her thin stature. I suddenly felt confused. I didn’t just want her. I really really wanted her. And my body responded in a way it never did before. My mind making mental images of us both. Together. My eyes, my mind..undressed every bit of her clothing. I saw her moan in my head as I bit at her nipples. I analyzed her. She didn’t have big breasts. No that didn’t matter. She had the most awesome bum ever. It was nicely shaped. The type of arse you’d want to do many things to. I felt myself get hard. I turned away in embarrassment ….
Just being around her, everything seemed different. For the first time in a long time, I felt things I hadn’t felt in a long time. I wanted to touch her so bad it hurt. All it was was weird and awkward. Especially when we were alone together. This went on till it finally happened. She had gotten so upset over her row with one of the girls. She was shaken, crying in the empty lab when I entered. Emotions over whelmed me. I went to her and took her in my arms. She was so soft, so small in my arms. My heart went out to her. I wanted to say something to comfort her but nothing came from my mouth. I forgot everything. How to speak. How to think. How to breathe. I raised her face and kissed her fully on the mouth. Her lips were full and soft, her tongue inviting. All of a sudden I wanted to do anything for this girl. Tell her she didn’t need to cry, that she’d never cry ever again. I wanted to protect her. Make her smile once more. I wanted to be everything, anything she wanted me to be for her. My hands felt her body. Her small waist, her large bum. I swallowed hard. I carried her and put her on the lab table. I wanted her to be my experiment. I wanted to taste and explore every part of her. I took of her clothes. I almost choked. My hands began to tremble. This was more than I wanted. More than I expected. The silky smooth feel of her skin was like good wine and I was fast becoming intoxicated. My mouth on her throat. My fingers in her hair. My tongue and mouth sulking her breasts. My hands squeezing her butt. I was everywhere at once. The heat was unbearable. Hearing her moan out loud when I pulled at her nipples lightly with my teeth was the last straw. I yanked her roughly towards me and entered her. I could feel her tightness engulf me. I was almost insane from the sweet pleasure. I felt myself bursting in delight again and again. I felt myself fall into nothingness. I couldn’t hole back any longer as I spewed my seed inside her. I knew she came then as her fingers pierced my bad as she arched her back and threw her head back, making the most sexy of female sounds. We collapsed together. Drained. I sighed in satisfaction. That was the most beautiful thing that had ever happened to me. I held her and that moment I knew that I was never going to let go.

A new life for the drifter

 It was magical, every single time. Being held in his hands, being kissed so passionately, the feel of his fingers on my skin, his hands on my breasts, his hands cupping my butt, his hands were everywhere on my skin, touching, feeling. The feel of his body next to mine. I could feel him envelope me. I felt loved. The tingling sensation was divine. I moaned out loud as his mouth suckled on one of my already aroused nipples….
And suddenly I’m in class once more. Facing Miss Potts’s boring geography class. Alicia had stoned me in the head with her pencil. I looked at her and scowled. “You were gone again you idiot” she whispered. Yes I was a terrible drifter. Going off any second of any day. It made everyone so pissed. Mother would knock me hard on the head. Alicia found it very funny and a source of amusement. None of them understood. I daydream often cos Id rather be in the imaginary world I made for myself than here. My real life sucked so bad. I see it as my responsibility to put the ugly pieces of my life together and make it beautiful again. So I loathe reality. I love fairytales cos they’r real in my world. Castles. Dragons. Princes.  Fantasies put that smile you see on my face each morning.
Miss Potts was rather plump and boring so Id always drift away in her class. Today was no exception. She was quite stern though. Punishing us for her very very sad life. Before, she was cool with a noisy class that paid her no attention where she’d teach just herself. Till the day she exploded. Ahhh. Things hadn’t been the same after that. Now she gives us some test and I’m staring at the questions which I do not recognize at all. I groan out loud. I really do not want to fail this course. I look round and watch everyone scribble something down in their papers. I start my poor drawings of butterflies on mine. I want to seem busy too. I do not know when I drift off again…
The cameras and their blinding lights. The lights hit me immediately I got out of my limo. My body guards trying to wad off the desperate press with their many insane questions. My hands were consumed in diamonds, my long hair was let loose, it was red here. Thick and full. My dress was simple and black. Classy and Elegant. Fans were swarming around like bees. Yes. I was important. I got into the massive building. I caught my reflection in the glass doors. I stopped and stared at the girl I saw. She was extremely beautiful. She was me.
“Pamela White!” I heard Miss Potts’s stern voice say. Nabbed. She was staring down at me with her “am not pleased” eyes. I heard the giggles and the sneering sounds from the rest of the class. I went red in embarrassment. She took my paper and stared angrily at my stupid drawings. “You understand that you are doing quite poor in this course Pamela. Surely you do not want to fail.” she said nothing more and passed by. I was hopeless. The bell went off and I succeeded in writing nothing. Mother was going to be pissed. I had promised to do better this term.
I always preferred to walk home after school instead of taking the bus. I always walk slowly, observing everything while going home. Its always the same thing every time but each day, I see something different when I walk past. I notice the old Latina woman who always preferred yelling at people than talking to them, I notice the young cobbler who is always sad as his wife cheats on him constantly because of his financial situation and he is a coward to deal with the situation. I notice the young boys on the streets playing football with reckless abandon, totally ignoring the cars that zoomed by with high speed. I notice the silly guy fondling some ignorant girl shamelessly in public.
My house was the grey old building that stood out with its tattered walls and the untidy bush that had begun to constitute a nuisance. This is where I lived most of my life with my mother. My father left when I was only a child with some stripper girl he believed he was in love with. My mom worked between three jobs. In the morning, she was a waitress in a diner, in the afternoon she worked as a babysitter for the Jones children, and in the night as a cleaner in an insurance firm. With these, we were able to eat, and I was able to go school and all. I loved her dearly and I didn’t want to get her upset. I knew the school had called to complain of my behavior at school. I prepared myself for some serious scolding. I took in a deep breath and entered the house. I almost collapsed. My mom was lying on the floor, unconscious. I screamed for help. I shook her violently. My mom left me that day. Alone. To face the world by myself. I hated myself for how I had messed up, how I always made her worried with my attitude towards life, I wish I made her proud somehow, repaid her for all she had gone through for me. There were plenty things I wanted to say. A lot I wanted to do. But it was so late. Now I had to grow up fast, face reality and leave my fantasy world behind. A hard life awaited me. One where I was only what I am. A poor orphan girl….

Thursday, 12 July 2012

Silent words of prayer

I am here. I am wounded. I am broken. I am weak. I am tired.
I am here. Torn apart. Hurt and Bitter. With my eyes drowned by my tears.
I am here. ALone.With these horrible thoughts that slice deeep iinside my heart.
I am here. In need of help and someone to hold my hand. Tell me that its all going to okay.
I am here. Sentenced to death by regrets and that sick chorous forever playing in my head "I told you so"
I am here. Needing God. On my knees trying to pray.
I am here.Confused. Hurt. Angry. Broken. With no words to say to Him.
I am here. Make me whole. Make me strong. Make me new.
I am here. Unworthy. Clothed in shame. I NEED YOU LORD.
I am here. Lord please take all the hurt away. Give me a new heart. Be with me so I never feel alone again. Be my strength so I never feel weak again.
I am here. I need to find that path. The one that leads to green grass.
I am here. I need direction. I need comfort. I need a right mind. I need your word.
I am here. I need to hear Your voice. Just this once.
I am here. Lost. Trying to find my way in the midst of all this chaos.
I am here. In dust and ashes. Crying these silent words of prayer. I NEED YOU LORD.

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

I have missed you 

Yes I have missed you. My happy place. People never understand me as well as you do. I finally found my modem so I’m back! It was so depressing I couldn’t be here…yeah really. Now I’m listening to “Mr. Wrong” and I’m thinking of how wrong my life’s gone. I’m wondering how best to clear my mess. How to be strong. How to survive the last year in that hell hole. How to go through each day with a smile plastered on my face. How to live once more without caring for anything in the world. How to hide my weakness. How to avoid having senseless teenagers get to me. How to see life as maximizing pleasure…my pleasure. I have finally realized I was worth way more than I settled for this past semester. I'm glad its over. I dread going back to school. Really, I hate that place. I made new enemies as well as new friends. I learnt new things about life in general. I learnt of how slimy people can be. I also learnt of what it was like to feel, to feel for someone. I am not going to spend my time on hate words, I want to be over that. So this is the era of a new me. As I have torn myself away from the art of feeling, killed all the emotional cells in my body. I was one of those helpless romantics, having extreme feelings about everything. Now that that’s over, I can move on. I'm still in my nineteenth year and I'm still expecting the best from God. So this holidays, I'm concentrating on me.
My Agenda for this summer.
·        Get my awesome bum back…God I have been drinking complan for the past few weeks. That thing doesn’t taste so nice.
·        Driving school. Ofcourse I want to learn how to drive. I have gotten over the thought of getting a personal driver L
·        Work. CitiBank. I hope they pay me good money. I love the whole idea of working in an office, wearing short skirts and bending down :D
·        Travelling. Switzerland. With my dad. I pray that would turn out nice and my pessimistic self would be put to shame.