Tuesday, 28 October 2014

28. October 2014.

Today, I'm writing the saddest lines
I loved you, and sometimes you loved me too
I loved you as certain dark things are to be loved
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I loved you without knowing how, or when, or from where
I loved you straightforwardly,without complexities or pride,
because I knew no other way.
I do not love you except because I love you
because love is so short and forgetting is so long
that I am tempted to give back my heart to you
because love is short and memories are forever
they imprint your name deep in my bones
making loving you hard to stop.

Monday, 27 October 2014

27. October. 2014.

When she was young having everything and nothing ahead of her, she wasted her heart loving the wrong people, each one of them leaving, taking a piece of her.
She hoped she would forget love, like other disasters.There was a certain emptiness in living life without love. An emptiness that hurt, and on very lonely nights she prayed for someone who would take all the pain away.


Monday, 20 October 2014

What happens when the sparks forget to fly?

When boy meets girl, girl meets boy, sparks fly

Ceejay and I only started speaking after graduation, when he had travelled for his masters programme. We would spend long hours on the phone trying to talk about every other thing going on apart from the dirty talk we still too frequently had. That day I was over exaggerating the tale of my frustration with my little brother.

"Take a shot for me. a nice one with nothing on.", he cut in
"Lets reach a compromise, bra and shorts?"
"lol. Just Thongs?"
"Bra and strings. Last price"

He always liked my shots even when I didn't think they were too great. Taking shots was still new to me so I felt awkward and self conscious in front of the mirror or on my bed.

"Mahn. The way I'd fuck you when I see you. For hours. That's all I can say"

He always ended our conversations with promises.

He came back later that year to see me at lunch time. The air was tense and intoxicating. He looked better than he did in pictures and I felt almost ordinary beside him. I didn't expect it, but we ended up less than 10 minutes later in the back seat of his car, bodies intertwined, spent and short of breath. We didn't move just yet, savouring the moment.

Then he asked with that silly grin on his face. "Your heart beats..so fast, is it because of me?"

Not every time sparks fly, sometimes sparks forget to fly and there are no butterflies, and the fireworks are busy lightening the skies of another planet

I stood alone at the hour glass art gallery staring at Kofi Agorsor's latest work "Jazz Game" looking for meanings like I did with every painting. I felt jittery today, I told Alvin to meet me here. He was late or I was early, I had been standing for several minutes.

He was the finest thing I had seen in the recent months, maybe because he was a model, or not. I decided not to bother my mind over analysing things since my grandfather died.

He walked in then, a little too dressed in the vintage silk chiffon shirt he wore with ripped jeans. He had a gold chain around his neck, rings, a bracelet on. Too much accessories for a guy. The hug was awkward and brief.

He talked too much about himself rarely even giving me the chance to stick in responding compliments. Nothing was appealing anymore, the mouth I thought to be desirable I now found irritating, the eyes I thought to be appealing were too aloof with pride.

"there are some people that are better admired from a distance"

Wednesday, 8 October 2014

08 October 2014.

"You cannot act too interested"

Freddie's words rang in my head again.

I tried clearing the dreamy look in my eyes as I stared at him from across the table.

I believed in being straightforward about emotions, letting Sadiq know I liked him right since kindergarten. Telling him I still daydream of what it would feel like to have his full pink lips against mine.

But being straightforward only made a girl too easy and a bit too desperate.

And Freddie was more successful in the love business. So instead I married my feelings to myself and let silence and awkwardness engulf us.