Wednesday, 24 May 2017

Lies. (Part 1)

Who lied to you?

-My parents when they said all I needed to do was do well in school so I could get a job
In high school, you stayed indoors, couldn't go to parties, couldn't go to see your friends,
couldn't watch tv, couldn't go on excursions
holidays were spent reading for the next term, no time for slacking, they said.
Those that came first did they have 2 heads?
any teacher complained and you were dead
"just go to school and pass so you can get a good job, was that too much to ask for?" - your mom would plead
You can enjoy all you wanted after school
everyday you looked forward to what seemed to be your freedom
The day you came home with your results and a D in Chemistry,
Your mum came to your room that night and nearly murdered you with the head of a broom,
The next day your dad shaved your hair, you were too distracted and needed to focus more,
They would remind you of how much they sacrificed to pay for your fees, clothe and feed you, you ungrateful child
After 21 years of school, a first class in accounting and not having a life
you were home, unemployed and still very dependent on your parents


- My husband when he said he wasn't cheating
After 5 kids, expanding after each one, becoming big enough to house them
He didn't see what he wanted anymore; a thin waist, perky breasts and firm buttocks
He loved you once, you are the mother of his children - and maybe that should be enough.
You had to learn that everything is temporary. your body, moments, feelings, people
He came home late reeking of other women
when he was around, he was absent
And everytime you summoned the courage to ask
He made you apologise for daring to question his love
Sometimes you would even beg - you couldn't understand how he was so cruel,
After you poured your entire soul, blood and energy into loving him


- My mother when she said I have to know how to cook to keep a man
As a girl child you were made to sweep the house, clean the floors, dust the furniture.
Your mother would come to perform the solemn ceremony of sliding her bare feet on the floor, checking for sand.
She slapped your back when you didn't bend well enough while sweeping.
You washed the clothes, cooked the food, your tiny hands wrapped around the mortar pounding yam
Do you think a man will marry you if you cant cook?
Do you want him to eat outside and let another woman steal him?
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach
You were shut up instantly when you asked why your brothers were not given chores
Instead you were made to serve them their meals like they were kings
Did you think it is easy being a man? why didn't you come out a male child?
No man marries a lazy woman, who will look after your home?
You dared not mention the thought of getting a house girl
Years after, you spend your entire day in the kitchen preparing delicious feasts for your absent husband
Who spends more time with younger girls with foreign accents and no home training who cannot cook

- My first when he said he said he loved me
22 years of being a virgin and needing love from the wrong people
And then he came, well chiselled face, intense eyes, built body
You knew you were not the only one
But he made you feel so damn good
telling you it was different with you
You felt you could save him from himself and the urge to want other girls
He told you it was the only way he knew how to love
So you gave yourself that night
screaming into a pillow, your legs spread apart, clenched muscles
You didn't want this, but you wanted him and he wanted this
Not you? you became an unpleasant nag, always needing attention, he said
Now you had given away pieces of yourself to him that you couldn't have back and somehow everything reminded you of him
Some days were bearable and on other nights your heart woke you up to a shattering pain
and now you knew what it meant to grieve for losing someone who was still living

- My pastor when he said my breakthrough was coming soon
It had been months now since you had tithed your entire month's salary
After your hungry looking pastor who was always dressed in an oversized 3 piece suit regardless of the fact he was sweating profusely, was screaming into the microphone -
"You're sick because your ways are not right with God!"
"You're unfortunate because someone somewhere has stolen your destiny!"
"You're poor because you do not give to God!"
he shook his head aggressively, and then went still
"God is telling me someone here is the next billionaire in town, i can see jeeps, range rovers waiting to be received. i can see new born babies waiting for their mummies"
The congregation jumped up screaming amen, some with their hands outstretched receiving in faith
One woman was on the floor crying, she had been married for ten years without a child.
That day people came forward dancing in victory, disposing all the money they had with them
Some of  you who were more stupid went forward to the altar to pledge your salaries
you were hungry that month. waiting and waiting for your billions to come
You went back to your pastor to seek counsel on why God didn't want you to have good things
He told you to check yourself, that you probably didn't deserve good things because you are paying for sins you don't remember

Tuesday, 16 May 2017

Tuesday, 16 May 2017

This is for the men that feel the need to show how much of a man they are by disrespecting their women in order to demand respect, to show they are in charge.
- Talk to her like she's a child, like you gave birth to her. She doesn't know she's not your mate?
- Undermine her, hit her even, she deserves it when she provokes you. What can she do?
- Make her cry and regret loving you. Ignore your conscience if you have one. The tears she is shedding are crocodile ones. The woman you paid bride price for does not have feelings. She's your property.
- Get angry and shout the house to the ground, threaten to send her back to her father's house.
- Do not care if your children come out and watch in silence,
It doesn't matter if they cry in fear,
Silence them when they finally speak up when they feel they are old enough to. What do they know? Who are they to even talk to you about it? The head of the home? Remind them who paid for their education. Remind them they still live under your roof. Remind them that you are even nicer than other men. Remind the girls that they will soon get married and understand.

Moral lesson -  Disrespecting your woman is a reflection of the little respect you have for yourself.

Thursday, 27 April 2017

Bad

Don't live a life dictated by the judgement of others. Don't choose a lesser life
Live a life that is yours. A life that seduces your lungs, dripping down your chin.
People do not need to understand the reason behind your decisions.

They do not need to know why you stay with him still even when he makes bits of you disappear, limb by limb
They don't need to tell you how bad he is for you like you don't already know. He doesn't love you the way you want him to.  You hurt most of the time. Sometimes you think he's with someone else.
 What they don't know is how alive you feel when he's deep inside you. Joint to him like that, you are full of love and warmth, ready to forgive everything. In that moment  you hold onto him desperately as you would do for your life and he makes you forget everything else. Nothing else matters then. Just you and him and that moment heavy with so much emotion.

So what if you prefer grey men? What if they love your skin better than younger guys who ransack you with rough hands? What if they are more attentive, more present?

So what if as a guy you prefer the rugged and firm body of another guy. He steals glances, you steal glances, even from afar, you intoxicate each other.

So what if you prefer staggering home each night from work than face your bickering wife? What if discovering the bottom of each bottle of beer offers the comfort you need after a difficult day?

They don't need to understand why you chose this life of sin. If they don't understand the pain you live with, they don't need to understand what you do to get by.


Wednesday, 15 March 2017

Lessons on Love

 "...Begging for love is suicide...You deserve more attention than his phone, you deserve quality time not just time, you deserve effort not just routines, you deserve to be treated as if you are priority not the last thing on his checklist. "

 1. Love can be paralysing
You wondered why you couldn't leave him. Everyday you practised your farewell speech which was based on how you knew he didn't love you anymore and you deserved better. Things were different from how it was when it began. You no longer got his cute morning texts, he stopped calling and he took hours to respond to your messages. You felt like you were begging him to love you each time you complained about how things were not the same. How can you be with someone and still feel so alone? Everyday you felt a new pain, everyday you wanted to leave, but instead of the farewell speech, you called him in defeat with your voice reeking of neediness to 'check on him and find out how his day was going' because somehow his name took root in your throat and everything reminded you of his mouth. How could you possibly leave when you had drowned yourself in him and you felt completely helpless?


2. Unrequited love is one of the most horrible things in this world, but loving someone who loves another is worse.
Where did you learn to find the unavailable so attractive? Your first kiss was with a guy who would bully you in front of his friends but call you to the empty classroom to reach for the under of your skirt. Your first love was a guy with a girlfriend. And she was beautiful and perfect in a way you felt you could never be. You would watch him carry her up in his arms with his eyes full of love. After years of loving men who never chose you, you never felt enough. You tried to change and become more like her - softer, prettier. You closed your mouth more. He didn't need to hear about how your day went, your achievements and your big dreams. He didn't need to know what made you smile. You tried being a girl you thought would be easier to love. But was that enough still?

3. Love the one that loves you. It's safer.
Why do you do this - want the one that doesn't want you? Leave the one that wants to stay? You pick the one that makes you worry he's with someone else when he's not with you. He tells you no man can live up to the one in your head. That you're being too needy, too sensitive. When all you want is to feel loved. How hard is it? You don't notice the one that leaves 5 missed calls on your phone and messages. You don't notice the one that keeps begging for a chance.

4. Learn from your mother's silent regrets.
Your mother learnt to live with a closed mouth and a fat body full of disappointments; all the years of being an accessory to a man – to feed his ego 'his silent obedient wife who cooks good meals, cleans the house, washes his clothes, gives him children- more importantly male children'. A silent obedient wife who looks the other way when her husband comes home drunk and reeking of adultery. A silent obedient wife that does not question his authority. "Marriage isn't about love, it's about tolerating the other person". How long can you tolerate a person for? Every year the same weak smile, the same sad eyes, the same grave nod in agreement to whatever her husband says, the same silence. Is that living?

5. Go spiritual 

Prayer is the key we are told. After how many heartbreaks is someone allowed to run mad? Sometimes you would wonder how inhuman and cruel what they did was; come into your life like that, turn everything upside down, make you love them and then leave like nothing happened while you're left to hold together the pieces of what is left of your heart. There should be a special place in hell for people like them. There should be an eleventh commandment condemning such an act. "Thou shalt not destroy thy neighbour's life in the name of love". You asked God time and time again, "Why did you let this happen?" "Why did you let me meet this person?" "Was I not just fine by myself?” Each night night you recited the name of all the demons that had broken you like a song while clutching to your chest. Will the pain ever go away? You wish them hell, you wish them pain, you pray someone destroys them the same way they destroyed you.

Friday, 23 December 2016

Bye 2016, Hello 2017

A lot can happen in a year.
A year can change you to become this totally different person that you cannot recognize
A year can carry so much burden
A year can bring a whole bunch of wrong people but one right person
A year can teach you new things
A year can bring so much hurt...

Tuesday, 22 November 2016

When we love, we really love...

Everything grows still and tonight I remember you by the silences, the words that didn't fall out of my mouth.

Like the times when we are together with my body leaning on yours or you're holding me or when our fingers just intertwine like they are saying the things our mouth don't say. Sometimes I love you isn't enough to explain that you're the one rooted in my heart with every vein in my body carrying a trace of my longing for you.

I miss you when we aren't together. And sometimes when I'm up at night I'd spread my dreams of us out like stars and wish there was some magic in the world so I could get an eternity with you, one where no one knew who we were, one with no past where our love would be simple and we could be extraordinary together.

Wednesday, 2 November 2016

2.11.2016

Be hopeful -
Wait for the day you fall so effortlessly for something/someone beyond a fantasy.
It will happen -
Stop settling and giving yourself to the wrong people.
Believe in yourself-
That you deserve better than second hand promises. That you deserve better than someone who isn't afraid to lose you.
Forgive yourself -
For the people you cut yourself and bled for. For the ones that turned their backs at you without even flinching. For wanting to make a home out of another person. For desperately needing someone to hold you as tight as your skin.
Forgive yourself again -
For being ashamed of the things you did in the name of love. Love was the thing that bent you over backwards and fucked  you till you forgot your name. Love was the thing that beat you into acceptance, made you smaller, made you shut your mouth more. Love was the thing that choked you with every breath.
Let go -
Of the truck load of past. It is too heavy for the journey ahead of you. You simply cannot balance all that regret alongside all that dream and ambition.