Tuesday, 23 January 2018

23 01 2018

You were not born to fight for any man
Tell yourself that till you believe it
Remember this when you have to work to get someone’s attention
Worse when he makes you feel insecure
When he makes you feel like you’re not woman enough
Or talking to you or spending time with you seems like a chore.
You are rare, you are beautiful, you are enough.
Any man that sees you as less is undeserving
Is not worthy of the fire of your love.
The man is not a priced possession, is not a trophy
Is not something to show off, but constantly watch your back because someone might steal him
You’re the trophy, you’re special, you’re different
If someone else can conveniently ‘steal’ your man, then he wasn’t yours in the first place
Your relationship is not a war ground, where you’re constantly a threatened specie, wondering who he might be talking to, spending time with, wondering how fine or attractive the lady who will evict you from your position in his life is.
You need to see mediocre love as what it is - Disrespectful.
Emotional abuse is a destroyer of self esteem. And worse when you begin to look at yourself through the eyes of that person.

Monday, 1 January 2018

the difficult questions

is it okay to tell you

I count minutes waiting for your text

is it okay to ask

when we don't talk, do you miss me like I miss you?

does your heart hurt and beat so fast like it would fall out of your chest?

do you go to my whatsapp to check if I'm online

does it drive you crazy thinking about where I am and what I'm doing

do you miss my smile like I miss yours?

"is this too much pressure on you?"

am I too needy? obsessive?

when I say I miss you and you don't say it back what does it mean?

I talk about my feelings more than you do. does it mean I care more?

do i bother you? creep you out? would you rather I let you be?

sometimes I think there's someone else. is there someone else? met someone new and exciting and enchanting?

have you fallen out of love with me? do I still take your breath away?

Monday, 25 December 2017

Advice to myself for 2018.

1. You’re just 24. Don’t forget to be young. To live. Do what makes you happy. You’re allowed to be selfish. You will only have this time. Do not waste it.

2. Never be ashamed of how much you love or how quickly you fall. Love fully, love completely, but most importantly, love naturally - and don’t ever apologize for it. Don’t ever be sorry for loving the way your heart knows.

3. Try to forgive yourself. For the mistakes - making the wrong judgement call, hurting someone you love, loving the wrong person, trusting the wrong person. Don’t dwell in the past. Remember every person, mistake, regret brings you close to the person you’re supposed to be. Makes you stronger.

4. Do not forget to stay soft. Even when it’s hardest to. When someone you love hurts you, do not allow numbness and anger settle in your spirit. It is so hard to remain good in a world full of selfish people. Do not allow life to poison your heart and turn you cold.

5. Believe in yourself. You can be anything you want to be if you put your mind to it. Do not limit yourself, or be your own stumbling block. Do not procrastinate. Put in the work and do it now!

6. You are enough. You are more than enough. Do not let anyone make you feel less of yourself than you should. Anyone who does that does not deserve you.

7. Do not lose yourself. Stay true to who you are. You don’t need to think you need to be a certain way to be loved and accepted. Do not lose who you are in the process of loving someone else.

8. You must always love yourself more. Than these people claim they do. Look at where you are now and all you’ve achieved. No one can know the things you’ve endured like you. Your flaws tell your story. No need to hide them.

9. Learn to let go. Of hurt, of people and of memories of them. You cannot keep holding on and be in constant pain. There's just so much you can endure. Live light. Do not hold grudges. Forgive and move on.

10. Be content. You’re right where you need to be. Things are happening just as they should. God is not done with you yet.

11. Stop worrying about everything. You should not carry burdens too heavy for your heart to bear. You cannot save the world or yourself. Life happens. Just get through today.

Thursday, 21 December 2017

Resemblances.

Some of us aren't willing to accept the glaring similarities between us and our mothers before us - we have all been through familiar pain, all made the same mistakes.

We just need to accept we deserve better than what we settle for...

Do you realize when you turn the other way, shut your mouth and hold back expressing how you feel, you resemble your mother? who shut her mouth and looked the other way when your dad came home reeking of everything outside - alcohol and sex.

Do you realize when you make excuses for him, why he can’t be the loving attentive person you want him to be, you resemble your mother? She made excuses for him, nights he didn’t come home, when he would snap at her, the times he would even hit her.

Do you realize when you carry burdens to heavy for your heart to bear on his account, you resemble your mother?

Do you realize when you settle for less than you deserve or are worth you resemble your mother? You didn't want to  lose him. Life without him seemed unbearable. You felt he was the only one who would ever love you that way.

Do you realize when you’re insecure, when he makes you doubt yourself. When you start worrying about other women. When he uses demeaning words that belittle you, you resemble your mother?

Do you realize when you work so hard to please him, resemble your mother? When you become silent, more understanding. You become less of who you are and more of what he wants you to be. Your mother worked her blood and sweat to please your father; worshipped him like a god, never spoke back at him or questioned his demands, slaved in the kitchen to serve him various freshly made delicacies.

Do you realize when you fall apart, silently in the middle of the night - when you can literally feel the muscles of your heart breaking because you’re filled with so much pain, pain from the things you condoned, you resemble your mother?

Thursday, 7 December 2017

December 7, 2017

When last did you feel love girl?
Real love?
Love that made you feel alive
Love that you were yourself, no one else, no borrowed personalities 
Love that didn’t make you feel like you are too needy 
Too vocal about your feelings
Too into it than you should?
Love that didn’t make you insecure about your emotions
Insecure about your skin or your not so perfect body?
Love that didn’t make you feel too conscious? Act fake?
Love that didn’t make you feel alone? Cry at night?
Love where your eyes would glow cause you were smiling from you heart?
Love where you didn’t need to give sex to keep your man?
Love where you didn’t have to worry that your man was cheating on you with someone else or several others?
Love that was natural, sincere, not forced?

Love where he was yours? Truly yours?

Thursday, 9 November 2017

Lessons on Love part 2.

1. Sometimes loving someone can mean being in constant pain
Any type of love comes with pain. Its intense when someone you love hurts you. But this is different. It always starts with him making you happy. Blushing at everything. He will swear to love you forever. He will tell you he's certain you're the one who would hurt him. This gets into you head. You feel irreplaceable. It warms your heart towards him. Gosh hes so vulnerable right? ---weeks/months later you're staring at your phone for hours waiting for him to reply your texts. You dont feel irreplaceable anymore. More like second choice, third or fifth. You struggle with the madness of guessing whether he loves you still or not. You wonder how terrible it feels to be with someone and feel so alone

2. There are names you will never forget.

Ibrahim, Tobi, Akin, Ade, John...
People that tattooed their names on your heart and on your skin....
Tobi, the guy in your class, fourth year in college, that pushed you against the door, held your hands down and aggressively took your lips with his, trailed his tongue down your neck and kissed the lobe of your ears - you moaned out his name...you remember feeling dizzy after while trying to make your way back to your seat.

3. There will always be silences.

Communication is key in every relationship. You knew that. The both of you were going to be different. Tell each other everything. But was that really possible? Could you tell him about how terrible he made you feel sometimes? Did he tell you that about his conversations with her and the jokes that they privately shared? Did you tell him that you felt he loved her and not you?

4. You will always make the same mistakes.

From the age 12 you had formed the bad habit of loving people who were not yours to love. From loving other girls' boyfriends to loving other women's husbands. Each new experience worse than the previous. Pouring your soul into someone who you couldn't really call yours. You had learnt to love in secret at a tender age; their tongues down your throat in school corners to your legs spread open for them in hotel rooms or their secret apartments.

5. Claiming your life back is the greatest struggle 

When someone becomes your life support, it's hard to go back to what your life was before them. Sometimes living becomes unbreakable. Everything reminds you of him; his eyes, his smile, his voice, his scent...
Memories hunt you. Some days you feel like you're making progress and the next minutes you find yourself breaking down into tears.

November 9 2017.

Some of us are struggling to become our own heroes again. We lay sleepless wondering how we've failed ourselves; how we let someone else define what our happiness is.

It always begins subtly: texting too often, opening up about dirty little secrets, smiling shyly and looking away when he catches your eye. And suddenly it's like a routine, your heart automatically adds him to your to do list - first person you text in the morning and last person you text at night. And your day doesn't feel complete when you don't speak to him.

There are questions we struggle with - how does one hold back some parts of  oneself and not give everything? Is it something we really have control of? Why does it seem like some of us are so unlucky with love? Always picking the difficult types - the ones that leaves you in tears, gripping you where it hurts the most.

Some of us spend a long time grieving. It's hard to understand how you fell so helplessly. How you trusted him to do right by your heart. It's devastating to realize you spent time giving all of yourself to someone who wasn't honest enough about loving you. Do not punish yourself for falling in love, giving yourself, trusting, laughing when he made you laugh and missing him when he's not there.

A day will come when you'll discover thoughts of him loving someone else won't make your heart hurt and beat rapidly like it wants to beat right out of your chest. It won't make you act crazy conjuring stories in your head of what could be going on. Hopefully you find bits of yourself again till you become whole and at peace.