Monday, 24 March 2014

24th March 2014.

The shrink was unenthusiastic about your next meeting.

You remember your first, she smiled alot when she discovered you were only 21, her warm forced smile met your cold unmoving face. You thought psychiatrists had a general grave look, maybe she kept the serious looks for her older clients or maybe it was your story. She asked alot of direct questions you didn't want to answer.

Now she looked at her watch too frequently, allowing the awkward silence engulf the both of you.

You lay on her leather couch staring blankly at the white ceiling as you thought of how you allowed all those men wound your human with their horns. How you felt yourself disappear as each man spread you open and ransacked you.  When you mistook your nights for lonely because your bed had so much space despite your many pillows, nights when you saw your own life, clear enough to recognize it as the driest desert of lonely, nights when the silence allowed your own mind to judge you. You  looked for a reason to forget so you let strangers hold you a little too tight.

Your father did not understand how his daughter's name was on the lips of all of his friends, how they had touched her most intimate places. How you watched your father crumble in front of you in unbelieving tears, how his grief told you you didn't love yourself.

Monday, 17 March 2014

“Sometimes love means letting go when you want to hold on tighter.” - Melissa Marr.

I thought about all the men in my life that had let me go.

Fredrick let me go in front of the hundred people we invited to witness our marriage. I was in my beautiful white wedding dress, looking at him with my hopeful eyes, full of love when he said he couldn't get married, that he wasn't ready. He walked out and got married to some other girl a month later.

John let me go in his alcohol reeking apartment, with careless words, in between rough kisses full of indifference, with his hands grabbing my ass so I could feel his hardness. The following months were full of pain and emptiness.

My dad let me and my mom go when he left for that dancer at his regular nightclub, who was way younger than she looked in her over exposed bleached worn out skin in the black skimpy dress she wore, she chewed her gum aggressively as she watched my dad throw my mom out of the house sneering in satisfaction.

Wednesday, 5 March 2014


Last night I went to bed happy. I woke up in the past. Purple seats. I held her. The whole world was shit, for all of us, but more so for her at this particular moment. I kissed her head. She broke down some more, but with a warning and a smile on her face. I knew she felt it too. We didn't need to say it. We were ours, and nothing was going to change that.

We always took long walks. Holding hands, misbehaving, she always called me a market woman and I called her a fish monger which always infuriated her.

She cried when everything was down and she cried when all we had were smiles. She would hold your hand tight and tug at it firmly but gently while she laughed, before  tilting her head and staring you straight in the eyes. Her eyes held promise back then, and even more so now. Behind that oval face, behind round inviting eyes, behind that fragile slender frame covered warm ebony skin, therein lies my strength, there in lies my future, there in lies my everything.

I look at my life and I remember tears, lots of tears, lots of pain. I had a dream last night, I was on a train, I cant remember where it was going, but it didn't stop, like it kept moving till forever. He was there, I was holding his hand. We were laughing and talking about our lives, telling stories like they never really happened, like we were invincible, maybe we were. I felt different, light, like everything was over and I could smile now and I did.
Its the most wonderful feeling to have someone, someone that is not just a best friend but a part of you. Someone who understands regardless, someone who knows you inside out, someone you can be foolish with, someone who you feel safe enough with to expose yourself to in the most endearing and dangerous way, and I had him, and he was mine and we were on our road to our forever.

I was happy he was there and that my hand was in his, the same way we went through every other thing, together. This was what we promised ourselves for so long, to get through so much. Maybe we were dead, maybe we were on the road to the other side, maybe it was, only what it was a dream.

Tuesday, 4 March 2014

2nd March 2014.

Its was too silent today
Too silent for her to worry about her parents failing marriage
The way they always screamed at each other with hateful glaring eyes
Too silent for her to remember the doctors were killing her brother in the hospital
Malaria is always the problem, till the person dies
Too silent for her to grieve about her loneliness
The way she held her pillow to sleep on her lonely bed
and wondered why no one cared enough to stay
Too silent for her to ponder about her sexuality
why she found the glow in Claire's hair so fascinating
why she wanted to plunder her soft mouth
to bury her head and deeply inhale her fruity smell
Too silent to worry about her growing emptiness and lack of ambition
Her inability to dream impossible fantasies
Her fate was stiff and uncompromising
Her reality mirrored her future too clearly
She could see herself,
a single mother of five kids she could hardly cater for
she could see a life of hardship and pain
She couldn't dream for better
This is the only way she could see life
The only life she knew.