Wednesday, 21 August 2013

The Story Behind My Smile by Anonymous.

A Friend wrote this when I pressed on why he wasn't happy often. I decided to share for others who its directed to and  who are close to him and other people who can relate to this.

My smile. Its genuine. It will never let you hurt because I am. My smile is beautiful. To pull it off without missing a beat despite my whole world in shit is a phenomenal task. My smile is a masterpiece
But behind that smile is tears. Real nigga tears. Tears of Blood. Tears born from pain. Tears that make the hurt worse because crying and being that weak is unacceptable. I cry because I can see it all. Because when these people I love are desperate to be part of my life I won't be accommodating. But I smile because of the ones that hurt me the most. I smile because they must smile, even when they hurt me. I will smile because I can't bare to see them cry. Behind my smile is a life plagued with betrayal. I bend backwards and most times break to see them smile. But I break and no ones cares enough to help fix or tend to my injuries. I'm never what they want, and when I change for them I'm no longer who I was, a perpetual circle of inadequacy. Today I write without the grace of the skilled writer I am. Fuck my art, and Fuck your opinions. Today I share with you all of my heart, and even if you hate my writing, you will acknowledge these emotions. One way or the other. So get angry, be sad, be happy be whatever. You have already shared in this pain. Behind my smile is health challenges, a tumor and potential heart failure to go with it. Behind it is a life that will be spent on medication and uncertainty. Behind my beautiful smile is a struggle to forgive my family. To forgive their insensitivity, to forgive mistakes they made that forever changed my life. Behind my smile is a pain, because I know others have it worse than I do. Pain because I can see how ungrateful I am. Pain because I'm a bad person and I'm selfish. Behind my smile is a pain, real pain from people who have tried to kill me, pain from the scars and the bullet wounds. Pain because one day when I might be killed in front of my daughter, or my family will know pain because of me. There's more pain. Pain because I love you and you throw it back at me. Pain because I love you and you and you. Pain because I see you in pain in the future, and despite the depths I go to to prevent that, your naivete has blinded you to reason. Pain because I can't feed the dying child on the street, or bring the husband of that wailing woman back to life. Pain because the people I love die, and I can't do anything to save them, and no one cares to wipe these tears. Pain because I can't be understood, and everybody always points to my inadequacies. LoL fuck it my pain is real, and it lies behind every smile, and every single "I'm fine". Pain because I'm all alone in this world, with nobody to lean on really, left to hurt and get injured and heal and lift myself back up. Pain because the burden of doing it alone is overwhelming. Pain because I'm grateful that God trusts me so much, but then the burden of that trust must be felt. But then behind my smile is pain, and behind my pain is greatness. The greatness that makes me able to bear the pain. A greatness that not many possess. A greatness that begs me to forgive you all. A greatness that is God's goodness. A greatness neither one of us can ignore. This goodness is My Pain, My Smile and My Greatness.

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