1, April, 2014.

Did I tell you how jittery I got as you took my hand while we walked through the corridor to our hotel room? Did I tell you my breathing stopped when you pushed me against the wall right before we got to the door? How my knees buckled as I felt your hardness on my ass, how I thought of all of that hardness inside me and I closed my eyes? Do you have any idea how confused and uneasy I was when we got into the room? How I had to remind myself repeatedly that we were not love, we were too damaged for love, this was sex, you said this was the better way. We both cared for each other and I was giving myself to you, you were going to be my first and I was deeply in love with you. How I saw my mother's sad eyes and my dad's disappointed face. I thought of Jesus looking down at me now, did He even understand? Did he also see my sadness, my many nights of lonely, my longing for senseless passionate nights and naive love? I smiled at you now. I needed this. You pulled me to you, kissing me fervently till my lower lips was sore from all that emotion. You were different from any other person I had been with, I felt the parts of my body your lips kissed ache delicately after you left them. How awkward and embarrassed I was at myself because I didn't know what to do, how to please you, how inexperienced I was. How I shivered with longing as your lips worked on my right boob, how I arched my back and held onto your afro. I was completely unprepared when your lips worked their way down in between my thighs, my body convulsed in pleasure and I moaned out your name like a plea. At that moment I realize I wasn't just pleading for a release but my heart was begging you to love me. I didn't want to scare you away, you always told me how you left all the other girls that wanted more. You said you liked me because I understood, that I knew better to recognize love as unnecessary weakness that would only complicate things.
You ask if I'm ready, I look at you with disturbed and uncertain eyes, and nod. You tell me to open up to you and I scramble to obey. Then I see it, we had been making out for several minutes but then I've just begun to apprehend how it looked like a weapon, an instrument of pain. I let you anyway, through the blinding pain, I closed my eyes tightly to wad of tears and bit my lips hard so I don't cry out. Was this what intimacy meant? I looked at you now, your face was wound up, your were so engrossed in riding me, at the frenzy to see the agonizing pain I was going through. I loved you even now, even with my cramped lower body. For many lifeless minutes I let that wave of countless drops of emotions drown me. You had pulled yourself from me and rolled to the other side of the bed. I looked at you and you looked away, things were never going to be the same.