Untitled 2

He once told me he loved me, he kissed me and said the words, “I love you”. He promised we’d grow old together and sit on the swing of the porch of our home, old and grey, celebrating Christmas and thanksgiving with our seed and their children. You promised we would die side by side, that you would not let me go through a day alone. You never spoke the actual words but you said them all the same. Loud and clear. They didn’t leave your mouth but your eyes spoke them and your heart too. I always hear the words repeatedly in my head. So you cannot leave me now. You cannot cause me to cry into my pillow in the darkness of the night, you cannot let me become this shadow that lives on the other side of these walls. You have to come back to me because I will wait. I will wait for I am a hopeless believer in love. I will wait because I believe in our forever. I will wait for your promises play now and again in my head. I hear the world sneering with words like knives, finding a sort of happiness in my loneliness but then again I have become familiar with this pain they bring so now I feel nothing. I am only waiting, waiting for you. Last night you came to me in my dream, looking hard and withdrawn, I held your hand and let my fingers run down your face, down your tensed jaw to your chest to feel that heartbeat that was similar to mine. To feel the rhythm of the music that made my own heart exist. You pulled my hand away and told me to go. You told me you never loved me and you never said the words. I felt my heart shatter within. It was suddenly so cold.  I wondered how I would have felt if you had said the actual words. I felt fear’s cold hand grip me. I shook my head desperately and let my mind revisit every time you vowed to be with me. How I heard the words a thousand times in my head when you held me hand, when your lips held mine in grave ceremony where our tongues intertwined as our hearts.  The many times you slammed into me repeatedly, spewing yourself inside me, a joining that bound our souls together. In my heart you said you loved me over and over, these many times. So I didn’t leave you in the dream, instead I reached up and kissed you long and hard as you taught me to. Your eyes were still distant and hard, with no hope to hold onto. I smiled sadly as you began to fade with the rising of the sun.