Love and Fear.

I lie here singing along in my strangled voice to the bittersweet melodies with lyrics like knives stabbing hard at my chest. I know what I feel, I'm just scared to say it out loud. I see my heart fall deep into this bottomless pit and I stare helpless, unable to save it. I'm only alive when you hold me, when your fingers lace through mine. I heard there's no cure for this disease. Not even death. The ones that live with it become living shadows that roam aimlessly, lost in this wicked world till they become forgotten. I want to pick my shoes and run but I feel paralyzed when I stare into your eyes. Like a spell they hold me bound and instead I fall deeper. I'm trying to find myself, find peace, silence in the midst of the voices screaming in my head. I feel cold and my heart shivers from the fear of the pain that it has not known. I still choose you though. I choose uncertainty. To live in this temporary happiness. We are all museums of fear, with love being the only solace left for us to hide. The knowledge that during the darkness of the night, we are not alone.

Desire.

Tell me, does it terrify you to think about those moments before your first spanking when you are naked in front of me, face down across the bed with a cushion under your hips to raise and present that beautiful ass to me? How would you shake and tremble as I kneel by your head, tenderly brush the hair from your ear and kiss you with soft, gentle angel kisses? Would you start to relax as I caress the curves of your back when I stand up? How does your cunt clench when you think about the sound—the little metallic jangle of the buckle as my fingers work at my waist? Would you bite your lip in anticipation when you hear the whoosh of the belt clearing the loops? Are you still confused? If so, let’s continue a few moments.
Imagine the belt, now in front of your face as I hold it there. Any other moment you would marvel at the beauty of the leather and probably smile at the warmth of its scent, but not today. Today I tell you to kiss it with those beautiful lips of yours; you shake—it can’t be called a tremble, perhaps more of a shake or a convulsion—your entire body shakes but you scramble to obey. I laugh at you as I see you have so little control over your body your lips fail to connect with the inch wide strip of leather on your first attempt. I laugh because I know that inch is soon going to be your entire world, and your world will be nothing but pain.
“Ask me to hurt you”, I say as I tower over you. You hesitate but a split second (and I know that I will soon break you of all hesitation), and as soon as the words pass your lips the room is filled with the crack of the belt connecting with the curves of your ass. Though you have wondered for many months, you are completely unprepared for the pain that explodes through your body like atomic fire. I know, though, I know. I know how to warm a girl up with a spanking, how to tease and build sensation and force so that the pain that slowly grows is on the edge of brilliant pleasure, and you know that I know, for I have spanked you like that many times before. You’ve cum over my lap under a spanking like that, but this one is different. Yes, girl, this is different. I do not warm you up. I do not care about your pleasure. I do not care. This is about pain, and I hit you with enough force from the first time that your world becomes blinding red pain and your body reacts out of your control. I am prepared for this, and as I see you move I hit you twice more, even harder.
Now, you are scrambling like a wounded animal to get away from the pain. Tell me, are you prepared for the force of my strength pushing into the small of your back, holding you there? How about my hand grabbing a fistful of your hair and cranking back so hard on your neck your back arches as your upper body comes off the bed, held there dangling from your hair? I look into your eyes as I reach under you and pinch a nipple with cruel, vicious force, snarling the words “don’t fucking move, bitch. However much it hurts, I can always hurt you far worse. It can always be worse.” It does not escape your notice, even as the thinking you is quickly fading, that I have never called you “bitch” before. You are already sobbing, but now you cry as you realize we are off the edge of the map.
I move back around your body, and begin again. Your legs, your back, but mostly your ass burning with pain that overwhelms your mind. You scream and beg and cry, but “no” and “please stop. I’ll do anything. Anything.” are not safewords. Of course you will do anything, I smile to myself, but one thing you will not do is safeword. Why? Because I know. I am your Master, and I know how to drag you to that edge and hold you right there. As the safeword comes to your lips and you are just about to say it, I stop. My hand now between your legs, and I laugh at your wetness. I ask you why you are so wet, for your cunt is literally gushing on the cushion underneath. I think about this body—this body that I own—and all that I have done to you, and this..this gets you wetter than anything else ever has. Yes, I knew all along what you were, and now I will teach you. I mock you, asking what kind of girl drips from this? I tell you you have always been like this, you just needed a Man like me to show you, and I laugh as I ask what you will do if I train you and break you and make you crave pain like this. You can do little more than whimper in response, but I was not seeking intellectual exchange in this moment anyway.
And I do teach you, as that hand pulls you just to the edge of orgasm, and then, with no warning, it is gone and your body reels under the force of the blows as the belt rains fire and pain on your skin once
 again. I walk around to your head, and you are aware of the heat of my cock bobbing inches from 
your face. You think, in that moment, that even the hardness of my flesh looks like a weapon, looks 
like an instrument that can inflict pain and suffering on your body, and you are right. I grab your head and use your mouth while I look down on you. Some ancient part of your brain scrambles to please 
me as you suck and work your tongue on me, thinking that perhaps if you are just good enough, the pain will stop. Of course, it won’t, and I pull out of your mouth and shatter your world with the belt once again. I know the pain is different as I hit you from this angle, and I know something else too.
Think about sometime you were hurt in the presence of other people. Maybe you were a child, or maybe you slammed your hand in a door as an adult. What did you do? Instinctively, you turned away, didn’t you? As the tears welled in your eyes, you covered those eyes or turned your face away. It’s only natural, but today is different. Can you imagine the intimacy as I hurt you, yes, worse than you have ever been hurt in your entire life, and what do I do? I tower over you, a horrible menacing presence, and I look down into your eyes. Go ahead and close them, the hand in your hair, the warning pressure of the other hand on your throat, my words, a raspy growl, “Look at me, cunt. Look at the Man who owns you…” and you open your tear-stained eyes and look into mine. Are you terrified in that moment when I smile? Do the words sick and sadistic have new meaning for you, girl? Are you terrified to realize how hard my cock is? Do you realize we are teetering right on the edge of my control? I’m sure you know, though I’ve never told you, if we fall over that edge I would truly break you. You would not sit without pain for many weeks, you probably could not walk tomorrow, and you would spend the rest of your lift cringing every time you see a man’s leather belt. In those dark moments (like right now) when you play with your wet little clit, you think you want that… you think you want Me to lose control, but you are wrong. In that moment as I laugh into your eyes, you want nothing more than to be a very good girl and for me to be very happy with you.
“Roll over.” You are just a bit slow to obey, but I know you are, shall we say “basic” right now. Gone is the witty, beautiful girl I adore, and in her place is a silly, kind of stupid, animal that understands nothing more than pain. We are not even close to finished today, and look what I have already done to you. You are a bit slow to obey, and it costs you as I hit your ass again over and over with even more force. Screaming, crying, begging. In that instant you would have safeworded but your mind is 
a haze and you can’t quite wrap your head around the word… just out of reach… and I stop before 
you can find it. (How did I know? How do I always know?) “Roll the fuck over, cunt. Now.”

You do, but not without begging and sobbing and crying. Yes, it is about to get much worse. “Arms 
above your head. Good girl”, and I spread your legs, drawing your heels up toward your ass. Think about how that rolls your thighs and exposes that tender skin on those inner thighs, so close to your pussy. Think of the pleasure I have brought you there with my fingers and tongue, and, yes, even as I have teased you with the wet flesh of my cock before fucking you at times. Not today. Today your world is pain.
Something else I know, that might surprise you, is what you will remember most after today. It won’t be the crying or the fucking or me stopping to fuck your mouth. It won’t even be the force of the blows. Who knew that your entire body would quake as the belt transmitted power, weight and force from my muscles to your body? What you will remember will be the damned tip of the belt. I undouble the belt now, and swing the single length of it so the tip of the belt catches that soft tender skin on your leg just by your pussy. I know I must be a bit careful here, as I could easily open your skin into a deep cut, and I know even more how much this hurts. I am ready for your reaction as you scream a bloodcurdling sound from deep in your chest, your entire body jerks and your legs close. You are lucky I am a patient man. When your head clears after a few seconds you hear me, of course very patiently, repeating my one word command, “Open.” You beg and cry and protest, but you do. Muscles shaking you spread and open your legs and position yourself for me to hit you again.
You lose track of time, for you are in a timeless place. You are in a place before time, as much of your mind shuts down. Thousands of years of civilization are gone, and you are simply an animal—a conquered, broken, hunted animal splayed out before her captor, and I am that ancient Man. I am your fear. I am here today to hurt, to torture, to rend, to rape, and to take My pleasure in all. I am that which we pretend does not exist. I am that which lurks in the dancing shadows at the edge of the campfires, and yes, girl, that terror is real. I am chaos.

But in the moment we are both far beyond thoughts such as these. You will have those thoughts later, much later, when you struggle to understand what happened here today, when you struggle to wrap 

your little head around what you are and what I can do to you. You have no idea how long I beat your legs, and you are gone when I finally spank your cunt. You are gone, and I am only hurting an 
animal. Then, I am inside you. Raping, fucking, breeding, taking. Snarling, growling. I, too, am gone. Everyone has lied to you, from the time you were a little girl—there are monsters in the world, girl. 
There are monsters. We have let the monster free, and now I fuck you. Brutally. Hard. I will break you. Why? Because I can. My lips and teeth on your skin, tasting your sweat. Your pain speaking to that ancient, reptilian part of my brain as I ride you over and over and you, broken, simply submit.
What do you think your mind is as you become aware again, girl? My weight on you, resting on you. You a dripping wet mess between your legs—your wetness and my seed deep inside you—and my cock still hard inside you. It is time to fuck again, babygirl, and we do. This time, tenderly, gently, sweetly. Me caressing you and looking into your eyes with such pride. I am so proud of you, kitten, and I tell you that as I move inside your tightness. You fall back and give yourself to Me again, though your skin still burns, and will burn for days, from what I have just done to you, and you realize you cannot wait to do this again. You are just beginning to understand what I have known about you for a very long time. You are only just beginning.

Hope for Today

When death feels close, when the thirst seems most unbearable, when the pain and the tears have become familiar friends. Remember hope where you left her. Remember she can keep you strong till you reach the place you thought only existed in your dreams, where there is green grass at the waterside. The darkness would flee, the hurting would cease. There would be no dry grounds and light and laughter would come to stay.

It hurts to love someone and then find out ure not enough
i still held on to you like glue
my own way of flying to my heart's defense
with all the courage and all the will power i could muster
this was my heart, i had to protect it
but then again,
it wasn't enough
last night i lay on my lonely bed
staring at the bare wall
that mocked with images of a failed life
years of un returned love
a past dark from hurt and pain
reminding me of the salty taste
of the everyday dose of my tears

13 February 2013

Just like the flower, Queen of the night

I feel my heart like her leaves open up to you once more

I feel the high walls I had spent years building

Crumbling down

I feel myself bare it all shedding all apparel of pride

Standing naked with all my flaws and shame

Pink and bruised

My many scars cannot be hidden

And still bleed from being cut deep

With pleading eyes, begging for you to accept me.

My hearts silently praying

As she cannot endure any more pain

Its like I'm falling in love again

That’s if the feeling ever ceased

I feel my heart blossom

I feel it fall deeper than before

Its like I need you to breathe

And there’s no life without you

Nights without you seem the longest

Our love can be beautiful

Like the fairytales with happy endings

Just let me

Just forget everyone else

Close your eyes

They don’t exist.

If only the world understood what we have

If only loving someone was everything

If only people would not condemn us so

I would make you mine

I would love you till our time sands run out

Even much after

Put you on a pedestal and worship you for years

Let my tongue adorn each bit of your skin

Let my mouth send sweet messages to it

Write a hundred love songs that sing of your beauty

Let my eyes tell you the unsaid words of my heart

Our road is different, our journey is unique

Trails of tears, hurt and pain follow us

As broken promises linger in our minds

And even now greater obstacles than the past confront us

But I can be strong for us two

If only you would hold my hand

And say yes to our forever.

I take deep breaths
i feel my insides bursting
i want to explode
i can contain no more of this
my heart is too weak to absorb anymore pain
i feel my willpower give way
i am tired
fuck this. i just need to go home
i need to be fine for my parents
they didn't birth this damaged child
this bitterness that has become of me
i can hardly remember who i was before all this
happiness has become alien to me
is this love?
constant hurt and depression?
i feel myself sink deeper into nothingness.
My heart digs deeper into her surroundings
shielding herself from the pain she'll receive
ribs weak and defenseless
i hold my chest
i feel my heart sore from all the bleeding
im half mad everyday for you
im close to losing it
tearing at my hair and screaming out loud
no one deserves this
Love is about having someone to hold your hand
to love despite anything, everything
But this love is the time i have felt most alone.

The Diary

April 11.
People say I’m sad, others say am weird, some say both, the rest think the worst. Do not be deceived, I’m a huge believer in love. I want fireworks, I want the holding of hands and the locking of lips. I just get revolted when boys tell me I’m pretty. I find to believe I am anything close to pretty. The girl I always see in the mirror staring back at me looks plain, almost too plain. I'm all kind of awkward and I have almost lost hope waiting for my prince that’s if I’ve got one since I'm no Disney princess. I like to daydream, to make up stories on what’s delaying him and how magical its going to be when he finder me. I am the most virgin girl in this world. I haven’t even held hands with a boy before. But then my prince is going to change all that when he comes. He is going fulfill all my sexual fantasies and even more. Some people think waiting is stupid but I believe in fairytales and happy endings. I want perfect so I'm going to wait. It may take forever and a day but when he comes, he’ll be my eternity.
June 20.
Days have gone by most quickly. Some of them I didn’t even notice. Its been a while since I’ve written here. Well there has been nothing to write about till now. I think I like someone. He’s new in my History class. He came in yesterday and all of a sudden I have found purpose, a purpose, a purpose to write. Sometimes I feel him staring at me. Maybe its in my head, I do not know. I like when he smiles. I do not understand why I look at him so much. When his eyes catch mine, I get lost in his dark eyes. I feel myself melt inside. I felt something yesterday. Something I do not understand. Something I cannot explain. I was up all night thinking about him. This is the first time I have felt something for someone this way. I thought of things I cannot say, fantasies that left inordinate cravings. I never thought I had the ability to feel like this. The throbbing inside. The need. I want him to be my prince. To hold my hand. To tell me he loves me. I want him to think me to be sexy. To want me enough to want to do bad things to me. I cannot stop staring at him though. I love to study his face, his eyes, the strong clench of his jaw, his hands, his big arms. I even try to imagine him without clothes. How it’d feel if I run my fingers around his middle. But for now I'm stuck here. With just fantasies and dreams. Even now I'm trying to look good to be considered to be pretty. So I'm presently in a pile of my clothes, frustrated, looking for the outfit that would do the trick.
June 22.
Now I'm writing these notes to you in my diary. Things I cannot say. Things I feel. I want the words to leave my mouth but my pen is putting them in here. I'm to anxious to sleep. Yesterday I was in my personal paradise. The one I created for myself in you. Yesterday I wasn’t dreaming, I dint just fantasize. I really did hear your voice. I did actually hear you say my name. so I guess my outfit won more than I thought it would. Now all of a sudden I feel I have everything. You are my everything. I keep replaying it in my head. Yes it cant stop. You walking into me. I still feel the tingle even now. Like all the clothes disappeared and I could feel your hard chest on my soft breasts. I did feel naked, pink and embarrassed and couldn’t look into the brownness of your eyes for fear of being lost in them. Then my name left your lips and all of a sudden only that mattered. Now I live each day, just because you know my name. you took my hand and led me to class. Yes, I would let you take me anywhere. Through the green grass and the fires of hell. As long as the fingers holding mine with promise are yours. I want to be your everything just as you’re my everything. I'm waiting now for tomorrow. I would wait each day for you now that I have got hope to hold on to. Tomorrow’s going to be special. You told me you want me to yourself. I am ready to give you more. This silly flirting would get me nowhere I know. This is the bitter truth. You would never be mine. You’re someone else’s.  She’s perfect. I'm not. But then you want me and that is enough. You think I'm that good it makes me so happy I can pass for crazy. Even if its only now, I feel so wonderful to have this moment.
June 25.
I still have your shirt. It smells like you. I'm hugging it right now. I'm always wearing it to sleep. It helps me remember. So this is it. It was beautiful. Every moment. Not always do I remember it with smiles. My body still tingles when I remember. I still feel the heat in every place like you are still here with me right now. I miss you so, it breaks me inside. I remember how you pulled off my clothes in the most erotic way, trailing kisses as you did. I remember moaning out loud when you suckled my breasts. I remember the tug of pleasure I felt in my most feminine parts. I remember how you opened me up to new possibilities, to a new knowledge, to a part of me I never knew existed. I know how scared I was, ignorant and almost embarrassed. I remember the pain, the splitting pain. It didn’t get better. It got worse. I still feel sore in those places but then it’s the type of sore that makes my heart smile. And then the sore becomes warm and moist. I remember how I felt you occupy all of me. Your hardness in my female tightness. I remember the pleasurable pain you exposed me to. The heights of pleasure that enveloped me- it is called an “orgasm” I believe.  It was the most memorable thing. I felt loved, attractive, womanly, wanted..all of that but I also felt used, dirty and violated. I am happy but mostly, I am disgusted with myself.
July 18.
I wouldn’t call myself depressed but I'm almost there. He hasn’t spoken to me since that day. Most times he acts like he doesn’t know me, and sometimes he just nods his head at me. I see him with her. They are as happy as ever.  I see the way he plays with her hair, they way he looks at her, the way his eyes twinkle when she smiles. I want to disappear. It was not just that one time. There were five times after the first the first one. It just didn’t feel as special. We never went to his house, just in corners around. I feel like nothing now. Each time I want to say No, there is always this weakness. I'm always thinking now. I'm always sad and  I always cry. I like to believe that he would like me one day, that maybe because he wants me, he would learn to love me. Deep down I know it’s a lie, I just want to cherish each time, our lips lock and our tongues intertwine, our joint bodies and the heat of your breath on my skin. But I am lonely. Very lonely. There’s no love. Nothing. Now I get looks. I hear whispers. Maybe people know. Maybe they don’t.  Maybe he told someone. Maybe I’m paranoid. All I know is that I hurt inside inside.