I Want This...

I want you to tug at the curls of my hair. I want your fingers intertwined in mine. I want joyrides in your yellow sports car to nowhere. I want long walks at the beachside. I want stars under the moonlight. I want movies and cuddling on the sofa. I want to talk for hours with you. Even when I’m saying nothing. I want to see that twinkle in your eyes. I want your smiles, laughter and so much more. I want kisses full of promise. I want to make love. Sweet sweet love.  I want to be joined to you in the most intimate way. I want happy forevers. Most of all I need you to be here right now, to understand, to hold my hand, and never let me go.

When Would My Life Begin.

 I feel like shit now. Everyone says this, but only a few actually know the feeling. I am a female. Hurt. Afraid. Deprived. And more. That’s me. I have become too unattractive for life to actually give me good things. I want to cry, to scream, to rip my hair. I am crazy inside. Jumping up and down. Eyes flaming. Angry at everyone, at everything. But then there’s no fire, no passion, no strength to loose my mind. Everyone wants something. I want everything. So much need leaves me worse than mad. Sometimes I think I’ll die a virgin, without knowing love, desire, fulfillment. Lust. I want pure lust. I want young men to fall when I walk past. I want them to crawl to beg for what nature has endowed with me with. I want the man of my dreams to hold me and teach me love, to touch me in the places hidden under my clothes. I want to moan out loud, I want to cry out, I want to feel my first orgasm happen. I want to love and be loved in every which way. I remember the poem, in secondary school, “To his Coy Mistress” now the poem speaks to me”..and my beauty shall turn to dust and into ashes all my lust”. I speak these words to my self each day. I still know innocence and then again I don’t. If I die this way, I will be an angry spirit in hell. I do not want to be a joke there for a little sin, perhaps a little lie here or a little rebellion there. Even the devil will laugh and say I am a fool. I want to live life. To know pleasures beyond the element of feeling. I am alone. More alone than ever with no one to hold my hand. This is not life. Everyday, I sit and wonder when my life would begin, when I would actually begin to live, to love, to laugh.

I own a messed up head. A badly damaged one by the monsters playing a game of catch in my head, but  instead of a ball, its my brain. There are so many voices. The dominant ones, these demons, that plague my mind with all forms  of disastrous fears. They are the ones you see in my worried eyes, sleepless nights and panic attacks. They are the reason for my frail heart, the reason I cannot live. I see bad things happen to me, its like my personal horror movie and I'm its only audience. Sometimes I prefer death to this. When this is watching your whole life fall apart and your loved ones die. Yes death is better than being forced to watch all this happen. Death is better than living in constant uncertainty. The other voices are the beautiful ones, the fairytales and fantasies. The world I created for myself. The one I run away to when the going is rough. The one where I’d rather stay. They call me the drifter whose lost touch with reality. I am Alice and here’s my wonderland. However the reality is the darkness, the hurting, where everything I see turns into blood. I am a prisoner. Bound. With my free will taken from me. I want to be free. I want to be fixed. I'm looking for my prince to come and fix his Barbie doll princess as she had her heart broken one too many times. Now she’s stuck in a world of unbelief where there’s no hope and no happy endings. Her imprisoned soul yearns for Him who would come to give her that magic kiss to break the dark spell. And then she would begin to live, love and laugh.

Random

And then its just today, maybe a few more days, months or so.The days go by and I hardly notice. Like I'm falling into a pit of nothingness. Sometimes I try to remember the times I actually cared but then the memories seem vague, unreal, like a dream where just bits and pieces come back to me. and then when I try to hold onto the things I actually care about just so that I can feel something once more, and then I'm lost in my different confused thoughts. My thirst grows stronger as I grow each day older. This dry desert I'm stuck in now. I thought feeling something was weakness but unfeeling is worse. Its just emptiness, a huge void, a box of nothing. So now I'm sitting in some annoying class, rolling my eyes because once again I am dead bored. So I'm taking each day at a time. last time I counted its like 200 and something days left. So for the next few days, weeks, months, I have to try to care, or act like I do, like this is important. Its my life anyway.

Someday after midnight

When death feels close, when the thirst seems most unbearable, when the pain and fears have become familiar friends. Remember hope where you left her. Remember she can keep you strong till you reach the place you thought only existed in your dreams, where there is green grass by the water side. The darkness would flee, the hurting would seize and and there would be no more dry grounds and finally light and laughter would come to stay.

Yesterday

You can call this whatever, but its true all the same. Its as real as today is. Yesterday, I was living in hell, you  know the kind, dark shadows, deep emptiness and persistent hurting. I have lived many lives but that one seems hard to be forgotten though it all seems like a dream, just bits and pieces come back to me now. I was in love so deep I hated myself, hated everyone except you. It was so deep I was ready to become whatever you wanted me to be and I would beat myself so when I failed. Extreme heights seemed to be an understatement when all I did was hit rock bottom. I remember crying myself to sleep each night. I remember your eyes filled with scorn telling me you were tired, sick of my tears. I tried to believe you actually loved me, but you would only hold my hand when u broke my heart. I wanted lies. I wanted fake love. I was so desperate to hear those three words even if they were false, but you couldn’t even give me that. I stuck around still, couldn’t bear the thought of life without you. So I lived with the piercing pain in my chest and uncertainty. Death seemed more attractive than the life I lived for you.

Now its all different. Now I'm putting down these words without giving into tears or breaking down inside. There is peace , there is calm. I am a better person. I am stronger. I thought it’d take forever to get over you but all it took was one day. Now I look into your eyes and feel nothing. , even now when u come around to torment me but all I feel is pure disgust. It took you and all those terrible years I thought I loved you to realize I’m worth something. Now I love myself. Now I love to live.

National Anthems

 I wonder what’s happened to all the “us against the world” anthems

The mystery of undefined love gone

No one ready to fight for something

Or feeling something anymore

They are just far fetched dreams and fantasies now

Now its just so much hate

And horny folks

There’s nothing in the amazing feeling of holding hands

Just in orgasms and exchanging juices

The simplest gestures that hold much love and promise

Washed away by the sea of time

Now the new anthem “Weed, Money, Sex”

And the fire of wild passion

And exploding sensation of a climax

Of joint bodies

I would rather have the former

And find true happiness.

Farewell Note

So this is my last post before I go back to school. I have never really appreciated those who read my blog here so I’m doing so now. Never really knew lots of people stop by here to read all that I put down. Trust me it feels nice. Though I know most of you come here for my stories *rolling eyes* But it is good your perverted minds think my stories are all that.

I'm here half interested in my Sunday breakfast which is soo weird. I always love Sundays for the large breakfast. Bread and sardine, oats, tea, fried eggs and sausages.  Nice yeah? I know I eat a lot.

Oh well both of my little brothers are off to boarding school and I realize my problem, or the problem most of us have…We always think we have the time *sigh* It was just the other day when I was going off to school too. A small skinny flat girl :D Now I’ve got one more year in the university..do I look much different now? Lol I do not know.  What I know is that I miss that little girl though, the innocent care free girl with little or no complications. Life was way easier then. I fear I must have forgotten how it feels to be happy and free spirited. That don’t mean I'm sad now lol. Its just that that little girl didn’t have to worry so much about so many things even the ridiculous ones.

I always imagined life at this stage will be perfect or some thing close to it. Funny how that went so wrong. But the beautiful thing is that wrongness made me a stronger person. People never realize they contribute to making you the person that you are now, whether its horrid, cold, distant or happy friendly and warm. They only know how to complain of the outcome.

So I’m going to go to school tomorrow, face my project and things, mind my business and not care for people who dnt matter. Caring is a weakness, especially when the people you bother about have no importance to you. Its an extra burden u put on yourself. People would always have their opinion no matter how spotless you think your life is.

Take this as a farewell note or maybe just maybe I might surprise you all with more posts. I'm always best inspired in school. Call it boredom, call it whatever.