Love is the thing that destroys us

 Love is the thing that destroys all of us. 

I sit and wonder, what is this pain teaching me ? 

What is the lesson from being torn into pieces ? 

Avoid, run when someone opens their lips to say they’re in love with you ? 

People should go around with warning signs on their foreheads “Danger. fall in love at your own risk” or “Beware of heartbreak”

Right now I could tell people, don’t fall too deeply, don’t love too loud. Keep pieces of yourself that they wouldn’t break. Proceed with caution. 

All the things they love about you now will be the things they will hate in the future. 

After years they will break your spirit and rubbish your emotions.

Some say you should have seen the signs, what signs ?  Under the heaps of emotion and memories could you see anything ?  Anything but them ? 

Run away when someone makes you feel you need to become someone else to feel worthy of love. Run away when someone makes you feel weak, stupid or mad for loving the way you do. 

You’ve cried so much your body holds no more water. You are desperate for anything to reduce this pain, to make it stop. 

Love is the thing that destroys us. 

13 October 2019

Next time when you find yourself about to to fall in love, restrain yourself 

New love always feels great and fleeting 

But tell yourself there should be boundaries 

Restraints in how you love, limits to how you let yourself go

Safe words to know when you’re going too far or getting in too deep 

Remember how you want to remain alive

Ask yourself what happens when he withdraws and takes away your lifeline

Remind yourself about your dreams and aspirations, how you want to be great one day 

Tell yourself you don’t want to become a vegetable 

Think of how it’s difficult for you to trust, the different times you bared your soul only to get hurt 

Ask yourself if he would still love you the same way years after?

Or would you become a nag, always too needy, never understanding 

Or you would be by yourself, Struggling to breathe 

Trying to learn independence all over again 

Love isn’t for the weak hearted 

Love is an ocean that would drown you complete

There would be many nights of insomnia and self loathing, blaming yourself 

Nights were you hurt so much you feel you cannot survive 

Time spent looking for reasons to keep going on 

And the worst thing is he would never know how badly it hurt

6.March.2018

I am different
Beautiful
Unique
Flawed but worthy
Passionate and driven
Strong
I work hard with the future in mind, with the goal prize fueling the fire in my eyes
I surprise those who underestimate me
My love is intense
Expressive
Bare, pure, will not ask for anything apart from yourself
My love is selfless, giving, and will give abit more
My love is involved, present
You will never need to doubt where my heart is
Who my body craves for
My love opens me up like a flower, blossoming for my lover
My love is Scary
An Overwhelming storm
That will swallow you whole
My love brings soul quivering passion
My love will not accept mediocre
Half assed love
My love will not accept lies
Will not accept emotional abuse
Will not wait around while you ‘process’ your feelings for me
I am woman, complete, more than enough
I bring light, comfort, warmth
When I leave
You will struggle to find me in other women
You will kiss them like their lips are burning with my name
You will touch them, eyes closed imagining it was my slender curvy body
And when they moan in pleasure, you will be searching for my tune
Then you would realize my being is a virus branded in your blood, in the beginning of your soul

23 01 2018

You were not born to fight for any man
Tell yourself that till you believe it
Remember this when you have to work to get someone’s attention
Worse when he makes you feel insecure
When he makes you feel like you’re not woman enough
Or talking to you or spending time with you seems like a chore.
You are rare, you are beautiful, you are enough.
Any man that sees you as less is undeserving
Is not worthy of the fire of your love.
The man is not a priced possession, is not a trophy
Is not something to show off, but constantly watch your back because someone might steal him
You’re the trophy, you’re special, you’re different
If someone else can conveniently ‘steal’ your man, then he wasn’t yours in the first place
Your relationship is not a war ground, where you’re constantly a threatened specie, wondering who he might be talking to, spending time with, wondering how fine or attractive the lady who will evict you from your position in his life is.
You need to see mediocre love as what it is - Disrespectful.
Emotional abuse is a destroyer of self esteem. And worse when you begin to look at yourself through the eyes of that person.

the difficult questions

is it okay to tell you

I count minutes waiting for your text

is it okay to ask

when we don't talk, do you miss me like I miss you?

does your heart hurt and beat so fast like it would fall out of your chest?

do you go to my whatsapp to check if I'm online

does it drive you crazy thinking about where I am and what I'm doing

do you miss my smile like I miss yours?

"is this too much pressure on you?"

am I too needy? obsessive?

when I say I miss you and you don't say it back what does it mean?

I talk about my feelings more than you do. does it mean I care more?

do i bother you? creep you out? would you rather I let you be?

sometimes I think there's someone else. is there someone else? met someone new and exciting and enchanting?

have you fallen out of love with me? do I still take your breath away?

Advice to myself for 2018.

1. You’re just 24. Don’t forget to be young. To live. Do what makes you happy. You’re allowed to be selfish. You will only have this time. Do not waste it.

2. Never be ashamed of how much you love or how quickly you fall. Love fully, love completely, but most importantly, love naturally - and don’t ever apologize for it. Don’t ever be sorry for loving the way your heart knows.

3. Try to forgive yourself. For the mistakes - making the wrong judgement call, hurting someone you love, loving the wrong person, trusting the wrong person. Don’t dwell in the past. Remember every person, mistake, regret brings you close to the person you’re supposed to be. Makes you stronger.

4. Do not forget to stay soft. Even when it’s hardest to. When someone you love hurts you, do not allow numbness and anger settle in your spirit. It is so hard to remain good in a world full of selfish people. Do not allow life to poison your heart and turn you cold.

5. Believe in yourself. You can be anything you want to be if you put your mind to it. Do not limit yourself, or be your own stumbling block. Do not procrastinate. Put in the work and do it now!

6. You are enough. You are more than enough. Do not let anyone make you feel less of yourself than you should. Anyone who does that does not deserve you.

7. Do not lose yourself. Stay true to who you are. You don’t need to think you need to be a certain way to be loved and accepted. Do not lose who you are in the process of loving someone else.

8. You must always love yourself more. Than these people claim they do. Look at where you are now and all you’ve achieved. No one can know the things you’ve endured like you. Your flaws tell your story. No need to hide them.

9. Learn to let go. Of hurt, of people and of memories of them. You cannot keep holding on and be in constant pain. There's just so much you can endure. Live light. Do not hold grudges. Forgive and move on.

10. Be content. You’re right where you need to be. Things are happening just as they should. God is not done with you yet.

11. Stop worrying about everything. You should not carry burdens too heavy for your heart to bear. You cannot save the world or yourself. Life happens. Just get through today.

Resemblances.

Some of us aren't willing to accept the glaring similarities between us and our mothers before us - we have all been through familiar pain, all made the same mistakes.

We just need to accept we deserve better than what we settle for...

Do you realize when you turn the other way, shut your mouth and hold back expressing how you feel, you resemble your mother? who shut her mouth and looked the other way when your dad came home reeking of everything outside - alcohol and sex.

Do you realize when you make excuses for him, why he can’t be the loving attentive person you want him to be, you resemble your mother? She made excuses for him, nights he didn’t come home, when he would snap at her, the times he would even hit her.

Do you realize when you carry burdens to heavy for your heart to bear on his account, you resemble your mother?

Do you realize when you settle for less than you deserve or are worth you resemble your mother? You didn't want to  lose him. Life without him seemed unbearable. You felt he was the only one who would ever love you that way.

Do you realize when you’re insecure, when he makes you doubt yourself. When you start worrying about other women. When he uses demeaning words that belittle you, you resemble your mother?

Do you realize when you work so hard to please him, resemble your mother? When you become silent, more understanding. You become less of who you are and more of what he wants you to be. Your mother worked her blood and sweat to please your father; worshipped him like a god, never spoke back at him or questioned his demands, slaved in the kitchen to serve him various freshly made delicacies.

Do you realize when you fall apart, silently in the middle of the night - when you can literally feel the muscles of your heart breaking because you’re filled with so much pain, pain from the things you condoned, you resemble your mother?