Random

And then its just today, maybe a few more days, months or so.The days go by and I hardly notice. Like I'm falling into a pit of nothingness. Sometimes I try to remember the times I actually cared but then the memories seem vague, unreal, like a dream where just bits and pieces come back to me. and then when I try to hold onto the things I actually care about just so that I can feel something once more, and then I'm lost in my different confused thoughts. My thirst grows stronger as I grow each day older. This dry desert I'm stuck in now. I thought feeling something was weakness but unfeeling is worse. Its just emptiness, a huge void, a box of nothing. So now I'm sitting in some annoying class, rolling my eyes because once again I am dead bored. So I'm taking each day at a time. last time I counted its like 200 and something days left. So for the next few days, weeks, months, I have to try to care, or act like I do, like this is important. Its my life anyway.

Someday after midnight

When death feels close, when the thirst seems most unbearable, when the pain and fears have become familiar friends. Remember hope where you left her. Remember she can keep you strong till you reach the place you thought only existed in your dreams, where there is green grass by the water side. The darkness would flee, the hurting would seize and and there would be no more dry grounds and finally light and laughter would come to stay.

Yesterday

You can call this whatever, but its true all the same. Its as real as today is. Yesterday, I was living in hell, you  know the kind, dark shadows, deep emptiness and persistent hurting. I have lived many lives but that one seems hard to be forgotten though it all seems like a dream, just bits and pieces come back to me now. I was in love so deep I hated myself, hated everyone except you. It was so deep I was ready to become whatever you wanted me to be and I would beat myself so when I failed. Extreme heights seemed to be an understatement when all I did was hit rock bottom. I remember crying myself to sleep each night. I remember your eyes filled with scorn telling me you were tired, sick of my tears. I tried to believe you actually loved me, but you would only hold my hand when u broke my heart. I wanted lies. I wanted fake love. I was so desperate to hear those three words even if they were false, but you couldn’t even give me that. I stuck around still, couldn’t bear the thought of life without you. So I lived with the piercing pain in my chest and uncertainty. Death seemed more attractive than the life I lived for you.

Now its all different. Now I'm putting down these words without giving into tears or breaking down inside. There is peace , there is calm. I am a better person. I am stronger. I thought it’d take forever to get over you but all it took was one day. Now I look into your eyes and feel nothing. , even now when u come around to torment me but all I feel is pure disgust. It took you and all those terrible years I thought I loved you to realize I’m worth something. Now I love myself. Now I love to live.

National Anthems

 I wonder what’s happened to all the “us against the world” anthems

The mystery of undefined love gone

No one ready to fight for something

Or feeling something anymore

They are just far fetched dreams and fantasies now

Now its just so much hate

And horny folks

There’s nothing in the amazing feeling of holding hands

Just in orgasms and exchanging juices

The simplest gestures that hold much love and promise

Washed away by the sea of time

Now the new anthem “Weed, Money, Sex”

And the fire of wild passion

And exploding sensation of a climax

Of joint bodies

I would rather have the former

And find true happiness.

Farewell Note

So this is my last post before I go back to school. I have never really appreciated those who read my blog here so I’m doing so now. Never really knew lots of people stop by here to read all that I put down. Trust me it feels nice. Though I know most of you come here for my stories *rolling eyes* But it is good your perverted minds think my stories are all that.

I'm here half interested in my Sunday breakfast which is soo weird. I always love Sundays for the large breakfast. Bread and sardine, oats, tea, fried eggs and sausages.  Nice yeah? I know I eat a lot.

Oh well both of my little brothers are off to boarding school and I realize my problem, or the problem most of us have…We always think we have the time *sigh* It was just the other day when I was going off to school too. A small skinny flat girl :D Now I’ve got one more year in the university..do I look much different now? Lol I do not know.  What I know is that I miss that little girl though, the innocent care free girl with little or no complications. Life was way easier then. I fear I must have forgotten how it feels to be happy and free spirited. That don’t mean I'm sad now lol. Its just that that little girl didn’t have to worry so much about so many things even the ridiculous ones.

I always imagined life at this stage will be perfect or some thing close to it. Funny how that went so wrong. But the beautiful thing is that wrongness made me a stronger person. People never realize they contribute to making you the person that you are now, whether its horrid, cold, distant or happy friendly and warm. They only know how to complain of the outcome.

So I’m going to go to school tomorrow, face my project and things, mind my business and not care for people who dnt matter. Caring is a weakness, especially when the people you bother about have no importance to you. Its an extra burden u put on yourself. People would always have their opinion no matter how spotless you think your life is.

Take this as a farewell note or maybe just maybe I might surprise you all with more posts. I'm always best inspired in school. Call it boredom, call it whatever.

Last Day of August

Life is hard to understand. Love is harder to understand. The hardest is the people. I am quite confused when it comes to such emotional issues. People change and so do their feelings. I mean, I don’t understand why people that have been together for three years and then they break up. Come so far and throw it all away like the other person meant nothing to you. I don’t understand how at a time there would be so much love and all of a sudden no love anymore and most of them don’t even talk anymore. Its funny how one minute you are convinced you are in love, and the next you cannot stand the person anymore. I wonder whether people carry these their wavering indecisions to their marriages. No wonder marriages never last these days. I wonder how broken these people are in the midst all this.

Its heart breaking that people can do anything so that they are not alone. They do soo much to keep a person. You forgive someone so much not just because you want to but you need someone to hold you, love you, even if its fake. You let someone take advantage of you in everyway just because you convince yourself you love that person and cannot bear the person leaving you. I mean, what’s wrong about being lonely. You go into the wrongest relationships with people who do not give a shit about you because you are scared of being alone as if it is a disease…then when what you have feared becomes of you, you are not only alone but broken as well. Cool combination huh? I don’t know why I’m venting., maybe its because I keep seeing people acting foolish like this it gets irritating.

But then just as people are tired of being lonely, others are so scared of being hurt so they runaway from love. When you have lost so much, when the emptiness becomes of you and you are used to the silence within. You like the loneliness, the emptiness. Then you become afraid of what is normal and the idea of being happy becomes scary. You cut away from feeling and runaway from love. You deeply yearn for it but then love has become a stranger and you are more comfortable to be with what’s familiar, the hurt, the void, the loneliness. You become a ghost, a shadow that lingers in the world of the living. These are the people that are scared of living. Of loving.

Everyone wants to be happy. Just that people have their different ways of achieving that happiness. No one wants to be hurt its just that life itself, is so unfair. It never gives us what we want or what we convince ourselves we need. It leaves us needy and sad and when we have managed to create some little happiness for ourselves, it rips it out of our hands. It likes us sad, lonely, almost depressed and cold. It loves the tears we shed, the emptiness within, makes us desperate to settle for anything. We all want a perfect relationship, happiness and sunshine and love brings all of that. In conclusion, Love makes life worth living.

I did this for Bimbo's blog. Wannid her to know what I do everyday these days ^_^

My daily routine
On the black couch
curled up sweetly
or with legs almost up in the sky
in the deserted living room in the house
is where you find me
away from the noise of human activity,
the cries and laughter of the children,
or my screaming confused thoughts,
still holding a novel i was reading
with an invincible DO NOT DISTURB sign hanging close by
engulfed in nothingness
where i see nothing
feel nothing
here i slip in and out of conciousness
unaware of times race
romancing sleep.